How are humans and computers different? A human doesn't have trouble shooting.
Yesterday, a guy threw a litre of milk at me.
How dairy!
How did they figure out what kind of shampoo Paul walker used? They found his “head and shoulders” in the the dash.
You wanna know how to get rid of potential scam callers?
Next time you get a call from them just answer the phone and say "Pizza Hut abortion clinic where yesterday's loss is today's sauce, how may I help you?"
How do you get a one armed man out of a tree?
You wave at him.
My teacher told me, "You have no idea how powerful this quote is." I looked at her and told her, "You don't know how powerful the shotgun in my bookbag is."
How did the hipster burn his tongue? -- He drank his coffee before it was cool.
How does hitler tie his shoes?
In tiny Knotsies
You know how 6 is afraid of 7 because 789 well 10 is afraid because he was in the middle of 9/11
When you are suicidal comedic relief sometimes helps. These jokes sometimes help you realize how many more people feel the way you do and how ridiculous it sounds sometimes.
But joke time....
I’m giving in my two week resignation to life... it’s not you ... it’s me!!!
How do you stop a baby from crawling around in a circle on the floor?
You nail its other hand to the floor.
How did the Dead baby cross the road? It was strapped to the chicken.
Time for a story: There are 500 bricks on a plane, one falls off. How many are left? 499.
What are the 3 steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator? Open fridge, put in elephant, close fridge.
What are the 4 steps to putting a giraffe in a fridge? Open fridge, take out elephant, put in giraffe, close fridge.
The lion king is having a birthday party. All the animals attend except one, who is it? Giraffe, he's stuck in the fridge.
Sally wants to cross an alligator infested river. There is no bridge and the only way she can get across is by swimming. She swims across safely, how? The alligators where at the birthday party.
Sally dies anyway. How? She got hit in the head by a flying brick.
No matter how kind you are, German children are kinder.
How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Only Juan.
How does a fish always know how much they weigh? -- Because they have their own scales.
How is having fun with a prostitute like bungee jumping?
You’re dead if the rubber breaks.
Jill goes home one night with a guy she met at a club. He's tall, super hot, and seems different than most guys she meets. They arrive at his place and head straight to his room. Jill can't help but notice a shelf full of teddy bears. On the bottom are small teddy bears, on the middle are medium-sized teddy bears, and finally, on the top are large teddy bears, all lined up beside each other. She begins to think that he is sentimental and sweet, and isn't afraid to show it. Her heart melts and she want to give him the best night of his life. She gives him a blowjob, and lets him really give it to her, and even takes it in the rear! In the morning, she slowly gets dressed, and smiles at him and asks, "How was that?" He nods and says, "Not too fuckin' bad at all. Help yourself to a prize on the second shelf!"
How do you make a fruit punch? 🍎 You give it a pair of boxing gloves. 🥊
What's a skeleton's favorite plant? A BONE-zai tree. But if they don't like that one, how about a S-pine tree?
