How does a fish always know how much they weigh? -- Because they have their own scales.
How do you make a fruit punch?
You give it a pair of boxing gloves.
How is having fun with a prostitute like bungee jumping?
You’re dead if the rubber breaks.
What's a skeleton's favorite plant? A bone-zai tree. But if they don't like that one, how about a s-pine tree?
How does the man on the moon cut his hair?
Eclipses it!
Why are Japanese people's eyes so squinted?
Do you know how bright an atomic bomb is?
How does NASA organize a party? -- They planet.
So, I had an orphan friend, and he asked me, "How's your girlfriend?" I said, "I don't have one." He said, "I know, I just wanted to remind you." Then I asked, "How are your parents?" After that, I never saw him again.
How do you blindfold an Asian?
With dental floss.
Today, my mom gave me a lecture on how to stay safe during school shootings. When my brother walked past, my mom asked me a question: "What do you think of going through kids' heads during a school shooting?" That's when my brother came back downstairs and said to me and my mom, "Bullets." We don't talk about this anymore.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? -- Just Juan.
No matter how much I love cake...
I would never dessert you.
- The emo went to give the tree a high five, but the emo was left hanging.
- How did the gay person die? Homicide.
- Why did the emo get kicked out of the amusement park? He was cutting in line.
- When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it leaves and never comes back.
- I cried when my dad chopped onions. Onions was such a good dog.
- I have happy memories building sandcastles with my dad, until my mom took his urn away.
- How is the person over there different from cancer? His dad didn't beat cancer.
Warning, this is dark.
How do you knock out 26 kids in one punch? Give 'em a Sandy Hook.
How do you know when an orphan is lying?
When they say, "I swear on my mother's life."
A man walked into a library. He asked the librarian, "Have you got a book on how to commit suicide?" The librarian replied, "No, you'd never bring it back!"
A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide.
The librarian said, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
How do you help a depressed kid face their fears... You count to 3 and say jump?
How is sex like air? It’s not a big deal unless you aren’t getting any.
Do trees shit?
Well, how else would we get #2 pencils?
