My pencil sharpener when I bleed:
And I don't really care how bad it hurts. Cause you broke me first.
If you wanna really know how to get under my skin, give me a razor and maybe we'll talk ;)
How do women make you a millionaire?
When you're a billionaire.
How can you tell if your wife is dead? -- The sex is the same, but the dishes start piling up.
Three people die on the same day: a German, an American, and an Italian. They all go to Hell for various reasons.
American: "I won't ever see my dog again!"
Italian: "I won't ever make pizzas again!"
German: "Hey, granddad, how have you been?"
How do you count cows? -- With a cowculator.
How come when women decide to kill their unborn baby it's a "choice"? But when I decide to drive my car into a playground full of children it's called "murder."
How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a light bulb? Obviously not 8, because it's still dark in my basement.
FIRST DATE
Man: "I work with animals every day." Woman: "Oh, how sweet! What is it that you do?" Man: "I'm a butcher..."
Girl: "How do you feel about abortion?"
Dad: "Ask your sister."
Girl: "I don't have a..."
How do you avoid getting raped? Never say no.
Why are we depressed? Is it because of that bully in your school, or because you have acne? How about when you listen to your sad song playlist? Maybe it's because you have no friends? Or is it the fact your anime girlfriend is fake? T^T
How to punish a blind kid, rearrange his bedroom.
How are giants and strippers alike?
They both grind men's bones to make their bread.
How to make an orphan's hand bleed? By making them clap until their parents come back.
How's Donald Trump going to get rid of all the Mexicans? -- Juan by Juan.
How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?
Must be more than 9 because my basement is still dark.
Student: 503 bricks are on a plane. 1 falls off. How many are left?
Teacher: 502.
Student: How do you put an elephant in a fridge?
Teacher: No, you can't fit an elephant in a fridge!!
Student: Just open door, put elephant in, close door.
Student: How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?
Teacher: open door, put giraffe in, close door
Student: No! Open door, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close door.
Student: The Lion King is having a B-day party. All the animals are there, except one. Which one?
Teacher: let me guess the lion?
Student: No! The giraffe because He's in a fridge.
Teacher: WOW!
Student: Sally has to get across a large river home to many alligators. They are very dangerous, but Sally swims across safely. How?
Teacher: Sally stepped on the alligators mouth?
Student: The gators are at the party.
Student: But Sally dies anyway. Why?
Teacher: She drowned?!
Student: No! She got hit in the head by a flying brick.
How do you cut the sea in half?
With a sea-saw.
How can you tell if a heterosexual man has been using the computer?
There is sperm on the computer screen.
