Howe jokes

A man crashed his new expensive car into a tree. He now knew how the Mercedes bends.

A kid asks his mom, "Mom, how much do you love me?" The mother responds with, "I love you as much as I love your brother." The kid looks confused and says, "But I don't have a brother." The mother smiles and says, "Well, I guess my love is not existing."

How do you start a rave in Africa? Stick a pizza onto the ceiling.

I like my men how I like my coffee...

WITHOUT A FUCKING VAGINA!

How do you fit a baby into a shoebox?

A blender.

How do you get them out?

Tortilla chips.

Your mum is so bad at cooking, Gordon Ramsey brought back Hitler to show her how to use an oven.

I was cutting the vegetables and my mom asked how I was so skillful.

Mr. Smith had four daughters. Each of his daughters had a brother. How many children does Mr. Smith have?

How did the rich save the poor?

They didn't let them in the Titanic.

I said to Google, "How do I kill someone?" Then I got https://www.wired.com/story/dark-web-bitcoin-murder-cottage-grove in the front. Before you click it, it says, "If you want to kill someone, we are the right guys." How the f*** did this get in Google?

How do you get away with rape and incest in California?

Say you identify as a woman. Fact: It's actually legal to rape your daughter if you are a woman in California.

I like my wine how I like my women: 7 years old, and locked up in my basement.

I'm in jail for 5 minutes and I already got fucked 15 times. You don't have any idea how much I hate playing Monopoly with my dad.

How many babies does it take to shingle a roof? Depends on how thin you slice them. -Hope Marie Lawson

Birthdays are weird. We celebrate being one year closer to dying. And we celebrate it with friends and family, which is totally not how we'll die.

We're all gonna die alone, not surrounded by friends and family.

How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a light bulb? - None, they declare darkness to be the new standard.

How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Infinite because feminists can't solve problems.

Teacher: What's 3 minus 1? Me: I don't know. Teacher: How about this, you have three cakes, I take one. How many cakes do you have? Me: Three. Teacher: If I take one cake from your three, what do you have? Me: Three cakes and a dead teacher.

A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a coma. After 6 months, she woke up. She asked the doctor, "How's the baby?"

"You had twins," the doctor replied. "Your brother named them."

The woman said, "Oh no, not my brother! What did he call them?"

The doctor said, "He called the girl Denise."

"What about the boy?" the woman asked.

The doctor said, "Denephew."

How can you surprise someone who is blind?

Leave a plunger in the toilet.