How To jokes
Has anybody noticed that the New York City football team is the New York Jets? They sure know how to scare the Twin Towers.
How to kill a blind person.
Give them a gun and tell them it's a hairdryer.
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull.
The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram."
She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable."
Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"
How to give a good hand job?
Bop it. Pull it. Twist it. Harder. Better. Faster. Stronger. You put your left hand in. You put your left hand out. You put your left hand in and shake it all about.
None of you ever touch my penis.
How do you start a rave? Throw a flash bang into an epileptic children's ward.
Q: How do you blind a woman?
A: You put a windshield in front of her.
Roses are red, eggs come in a dozen, do I need to revive Hitler to teach you how to use a goddamn oven?
Why does an orphan never learn how to drive? Because he has no dad to help him.
Do you guys know how to make a hoe in Minecraft?
You pick it up off the street.
How To Kill A Blonde 101:
First Step: Get a pool.
Second Step: Put a scratch-and-sniff at the bottom.
Say what you want about Jeffrey Epstein, but at least he knew how to take out the trash.
What do Rihanna and a DJ have in common?
They know how to get a beat down.
In kindergarten, we were starting to learn how to use "big kid words." On Monday, the teacher asked everyone to share what they did over the weekend, but we had to use big kid words.
Eventually it got to my turn, and the teacher asked me what I did over the summer. I told her I read a book. She asked me what book, and to remember to use "big kid words." I'll never forget the horrified look on her face when I replied with "Winnie the Shit."
You know how to draw a horse? If not, look in a mirror and draw what you see.
Good Lord, any tips on how to kidnap children? I say, "Free candy," and they run.
My friend asked me why I know how to tie a noose.
I told them, "because I’m such a noose-ance."
How to know if your wife is dead? Well, the sex is still trash, but the dishes really start to pile up.
How to make time fly?
Answer: Throw a clock out of the window.
A man walked into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian responds with, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back!"
3 men go to hell. Satan says if you can question me and I can't answer, you go to heaven.
The first man asks if Satan knew how to make computers. He goes to hell. The next man asks if he knew how to make furniture. He goes too. The third man pokes a ton of holes in a bottle cap and farts in the bottle, asks Satan where the fart came from. Satan said every possible answer and the man pointed to his butthole and said "nope this one"😂