How To

How To jokes

Orphan

    • How to make an orphan BLEED?

    Step 1 - Tell them to clap until they actually have a loving family.

    Step 2 - LAUGH EVILLY as they BLEED.

    Step 3 - Tell them to kys.

    Step 4 - Leave that mental asylum.

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    • Bastard

    • How to treat someone who’s lesbian, gay, queer, transgender or bisexual?

    The same way that you would treat anybody else, you homophobic bastard.

    Chat

    • Three strangers have opened a gay chat; but if one left the chat, the chat would be closed.

    Stranger 3: How to turn a straight guy into a gay guy?

    Stranger 1: You can't!

    Stranger 2: You can.

    Stranger 3: How?

    Stranger 2: By using the same idea of the Russian experiment; like in a detention, put him in a closed room full of gay stuff, but the difference is that he can sleep, and he will have food for 30 days and a toilet, too.

    Stranger 3: Great idea, but who can we try first?

    Stranger 1: You all gays are evil monsters.

    Stranger 2: I think the stranger 1 is just a straight spy. Let's try this experi-

    (The chat has been closed by stranger 1)

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    • How To memes

    Depression

    • How to tell if you're depressed? You came to a website called "worst jokes ever.com" looking for a quick smile.

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    • Truck

    • I'm pretty socially awkward when talking to girls, so I watched a video on how to keep conversations going.

    The guy said to try and find things that remind you of something else and talk about that. For example, "that oak tree over there reminds me of the one we used to climb in my backyard as a kid. It used to be so much fun... and so on."

    So next time I was having a conversation with a girl, I saw a red truck. So I said, "that red truck reminds me of the time my house burned down when I was 6." She said, "oh, and the fire trucks came to your house?" And I said, "no, I was getting molested in a red truck when my house burned down."

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    • Lawyer

    • A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

    "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"

    "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

    "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

    "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed!"

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    • Robot

    • You know what really grinds my gears? Robots and liars...for example that Stephen Hawking fella. He sure looks and sounds like a robot!! And a major liar too! If he wanted to show me how smart he really was he would have figured out how to get up out of that four wheeler and tell me how smart he is!!!!!

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    • Racism

    • Guys, I know how to stop racism. Delete the word "racism." People can't be something that doesn't exist.

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    • Mississippi

    • Two Italian men get on a bus.

    They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. They speak with an Italian accent.

    The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

    "Emma come first.

    Den I come.

    Den two asses come together.

    I come once-a-more.

    Two asses, they come together again.

    I come again and pee twice.

    Then I come one lasta time."

    "You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

    "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

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    • Deep Throat

    • My mom showed me that she could deep throat a banana. I asked how you know how to do that. My mom said, "I practice on your stepfather."

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