Where do orphans shop for home appliances?
Shit, if somebody invades America, the Crips and the Bloods are gonna call a truce so that they can get the big toys out and call Geneva achievement. White women would ride into battle riding lions, tigers, and bears while claymore-strapped rhumbas swept the streets. There's a reason Putin keeps threatening to boom boom us with the boom booms and make you see x-rays before you go go.
We have freaking cannibals still. Hell, we have more guns than people. Dodging bullets has become a rite of passage. Just look at how we raise our kids on caffeine and M16s playing Call of Duty. Then we send them into the warzone known as the American public education system with no weapons. No means to protect themselves other than with their fists. Here Timmy, fight off the bullets with your bare fist and hope you can zig-zag. Hell, the quiet kids in this country start dropping bodies just cause you teased them. The fuck you think's gonna happen when Timmy can't get his damn chicken nuggets and you took his internet out?
Hell, the gangs in America would no longer make their money off the drugs illegally. They'd be our medics and taking bets on kill shots. Don't even get me started on the unhinged millennials the moment they can't get their mood stabilizers. War crimes would become an art form and we'd run around like we playing Pokemon. GOTTA CATCH 'EM ALL! Americans would turn war crimes into an extreme sport while the military stands back and records it just so they can show the rest of the world the example of why not to fuck with us. Shit, Geneva Convention would turn into a to-do list on every American household fridge. We take that shit so seriously we'd have Comedy Central sending Kevin Hart to tell us rules for engagement. Racism in America would be single-handedly by ended as Billy Bob and Tyrone high five because they think they just unlocked the super secret duck hunt level with foreign paratroopers. Shit somebody please threaten us with a good time. Invade the United States. Let us show you why the first color in our flag is red.
My dad smashed my PS5, so I smashed his wife.
My mum said take out the trash, so I took my sister.
Father: I am taking your toys to the orphanage.
Son: Why?
Father: You’ll need them there.
When you realize you forgot to mop your room, you hear footsteps.
If lint comes from pockets, where does a cockroach come from?
I sold my vacuum the other day.
All I got was dust and my mom's wig.
How many children does it take to change a lightbulb.
Not 15, as my basements still dark
I have to take out the trash, but I couldn't find you.
Why can't the orphan eat Doritos?
They were all family sized!
Women should have the right to choose whether they want to do cooking or cleaning first.
Q: What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?
A: You slap her.
I was in class and we had to choose another term for words we use everyday. For kid, I chose "child"; for dog, I chose "pet"; and for wife, I chose "dishwasher."
I respect woman’s choices... either she wants to cook first, then clean, or she wants to clean first, then cook.
I believe in a woman's right to choose...
...whether she wants to cook first and then clean or clean first and then cook.
My Dad pays a lot of attention to our household and has always had a good eye for detail. He was the one that first noticed that my mother and I have the same ring size.
What’s the difference between your wife and a light switch?
I don’t turn on a light switch.
When you ask your mom for candy but you grab from the wrong drawer...
I went to take out the trash, could not find you, so I went back in. The next day I found you.
