Mom: I'm going to the shop. If someone is at the door, don't open it.
Me: Ok.
*Ring*
Me: Opens the door.
Oh sh*t!
Mom: Gets flip flop.
When your mom comes in at night then sees your... Sleeping, but sees something moving so she gets a chair and wacks it then she says" I thought it was a mouse š"
Ran out of toilet paper, so had to start using lettuce leaves... today was the tip of the iceberg.
My mom said to take out the trash bags, so I did. And the next day, my mom asked, "Where are your sisters?" I said, "In line to get crushed."
How many dead children does it take to change the light in a basement?
More than ten, apparently.
Instead of walking through the door, the owner of the house broke in through the window. When he came out, a man standing on the sidewalk walked up to him and asked why he hadn't just walked through the door. The owner responded, "I'm pollo vegetarian, and I really just wanted a bit of food." When the man looked confused, the owner said; "Windows are nature's vending machine."
I started beating my washing machine because it wasn't working, my wife started crying.
What sucks but doesn't suck?
Vacuums!
Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to get her poor dog a bone.
But when she bent over, Rover took over, and gave her a bone of his own.
Yeah, she called me "Pledge" because I knocked the dust off it.
A man ordered a washing machine because his old one stopped working. As soon as the man opened his new washing machine, he immediately rejoiced because there was a woman inside. Without hesitation, the man yelled, "FREE DISHWASHER!"
Brother: "I can hear you using the vibrator every night, Iām right here if you need help."
Sister: "Thatās my f***ing electric toothbrush!"
Brother: "Oh, well the offer still stands."
How many babies does it take to replace a light bulb? I'm guessing more than 10 cause its still dark in my basement.
I could never forget my grandfathers last words. "Stop shaking the ladd-"
Don't you hate it when you do the dishes, but then you realize it wasn't the dishes?
I saw some toilet paper rolls rolling in the wind. So I called āTOLIET PAPERS ROLLING INā
Stephen only died because his wife tripped over the power cord
Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex.
They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch and think that their wife should be really happy.
My wife wanted a present that could go from zero to 80 very quickly.
So I got her a new set of bathroom scales.
I like my women how I like my fridge.
In the kitchen.
