Stephen only died because his wife tripped over the power cord
My wife wanted a present that could go from zero to 80 very quickly.
So I got her a new set of bathroom scales.
I like my women how I like my fridge.
In the kitchen.
What's the difference between your mom and your dad one leaves your life to go get milk and the other cleans up after you, feeds you, and does your laundry
Why can't orphans work at S.C. Johnson? Cause it's a family company.
A blonde texts her husband on a cold winter’s morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap edges with hammer."
Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."
So my mom sent a text saying, "I'm gonna need help carrying groceries when I get back." That was 3 months ago.
Your family
My mom said, "Take out the trash," and I said, "Okay." The next day she asked, "Where is your sister?" and I said, "In line to get crushed."
What do you do when your dish washer stops working
Hit your wife harder
A boy walks in on his mother riding his father. "What are you doing?" the boy asks his mother. "I'm jumping on daddy to make him thin," said the mother. "Don't bother," said the boy, "when you go shopping, the lady next door comes and blows him up again."
Chuck Norris has a bear rug in his living room. It's not dead or anything, it's just too scared to move.
How do you turn a dishwasher into a snow plow?
Give her a shovel.
