Household jokes

Q: What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?

A: You slap her.

I was in class and we had to choose another term for words we use everyday. For kid, I chose "child"; for dog, I chose "pet"; and for wife, I chose "dishwasher."

I respect woman’s choices... either she wants to cook first, then clean, or she wants to clean first, then cook.

I believe in a woman's right to choose...

...whether she wants to cook first and then clean or clean first and then cook.

What's the difference between me and an orphan's parents?

I actually come back with the milk.

My Dad pays a lot of attention to our household and has always had a good eye for detail. He was the one that first noticed that my mother and I have the same ring size.

What’s the difference between your wife and a light switch?

I don’t turn on a light switch.

When you ask your mom for candy but you grab from the wrong drawer...

As an orphan, every bag of chips is family size.

I went to take out the trash, could not find you, so I went back in. The next day I found you.

What is an orphan's least liked meal? Family dinner.

Why can't orphans eat chips?

'Cause they're family sized!

I have a stepladder. My real ladder left for milk and never came back.

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine! Lol.

Mommy, Mommy! Are we dragons?

Shut up and don’t breathe on the drapes.

If dust mites are found in dust, bedbugs are found in beds, where are cockroaches found in?

I couldn't find my cat, and then my pillow started meowing.

How many orphans does it take to change a light bulb?

Obviously more than three because my basement is still dark.

One day my mom told me to take out the trash, and I did. The next day, mom asked me, "Where is your sister?" and I said, "A garbage truck took her." Mom started running to try and get the truck before it left.

My mom told me to clean the sink, but I couldn’t find you.