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Home jokes

Yesterday I saw an orphan walking down the street. I asked him if he was ok. He said no, so I asked him if he needed help. And he said yes, so I let him in my car and said, "Don't worry, you'll be home with your parents soon." He said my parents died. I said I know.

An orphan asked his caretaker where his parents are, and the caretaker said, "A place called home."

I saw a news ad on TV about a dad coming home after getting milk. I said, "I've never seen that one before!"

As a murderer, I stabbed a man after infiltrating his house. His wife came in and saw me. She fell into tears. I got up and said, "Drama queen!"

I went to ask my friend's mom if I could have a sleepover.

Then I remembered they did not have a mom or dad.

What does a skeleton tile his roof with?

Tiles.

WTF did you think he’d tile it with?

Hello my fellow Canadians, I mean Americans. I, your cool and hip president, has decided to give everyone free ice cream! Even the Russians. Go out to your local ice cream shop and make sure to leave your kids at home!

Did you hear that nursing homes keep returning the new Paul Walkers?

They let the elderly move fast, but then burst into flames and burn the patients alive.