Himself jokes

When Hitler killed himself, he shot himself twice. The first one was Operation Barbarossa, and the second one was his death.

If I had a dime for everytime the Australian president shat himself in a McDonald's, I would have one dime, which is not a lot, but it's weird that it happened.

Gwen, just take Tj as your boyfriend. Gah, just do it so he won't kill himself! Prince will be fine without you!

How did the inkjet printer kill himself?

He drank cyan-ide.

A chemical store burned down, and the firefighter just stood there, but at the end, the store fire just went out by itself. But the store owner still got angry.

Store owner: Why didn't you take out the fire?

Firefighter: Yeah, but it went out by itself.

Store owner: But still, why?

Firefighter: Your chemical store sells H20.

Store owner: Oh, I get it now!

My wife is so ugly when she was born, the doctor said, "I did everything I could, but she pulled through anyways." When she was born, the doctor hung himself with the umbilical cord. He pushed her back in, said, "Not done." The doctor slapped her mother. The doctor looked at her and said, "Twins!" He didn't know what end to slap. He threw her away and kept the afterbirth.

Bigfoot is just a normal person who covered himself in Pritt Stick and went down on Susan Boyle.

God said the first person to kill Hitler goes to heaven.

Hitler: Kills himself.

Son: “Mom, is there a thing called «friendship» between a man and a woman?”

Mother: “No Son, unless if he’s gay.”

Son: “So your friend is gay?”

Mother with herself: «How did he see me with michael omg if my husband discovered my cheating he will kill me»

Mother: “Mmm.. Yes.”

Father loudly: “YES!!!”

Mother: “What in the hell? Are you gay?”

Father with himself: «Am i an idiot why did i yell?! if she discovered I’m gay and her son was made by Paul’s semens she will kill me»

Father: “No what are saying? I’m just talking with myself.”

*A few hours later*

Mother: “I will go to visit my mother.”

Father: “Me too I will go to visit my mother.”

Son: “Not me too I will go to stud with my friends.”

The mother and the father goes to michael’s house and they found their son playing with Michael and Paul is recording them and saying: «that’s why I love you my actual son oh only if your mother knows».

*The End* :D

Why did Hitler kill himself? He knew the war was over at the beginning.

Jack and Jill went up to an abandoned house.

Jack drank too much and unzipped his fly. Jack said, "You know you wanna." Jill said, "No." So Jack locked both of them in the house and put a gag in Jill's mouth, tied her to a bed. He ripped off her dress and underwear. He took off his pants and his underwear too, then put on a condom. He then put a pill in her mouth and made her swallow. One minute later she was asleep. He took off her gag and mounted himself on her, then stuck his "candystick" in her mouth, next her fanny. Then his condom broke, but he was too drunk to notice. Nine months later a baby's born and Jack's in jail as the father.

Jay and Andrew are best friends who are almost alike. The difference between them both is Jay is poor and well... Andrew, on the other hand, is suck-a-dick poor. Let me explain, Jay wakes up in his room, walks to the kitchen, and asks his mom, Lisa (I call her Lisa now, btw), if there is anything to eat. "No, bitch!" she replies, so Jay drinks a glass of milk and goes back to bed.

Now Andrew... wakes up, jumps out of bed, and he's in the kitchen. He sees his mom fixing some food for work after a long hard night of giving her husband blue balls. "Anything left for me, Mother?" Andrew asks. "Sorry, Honey, I have to eat to put food on the table and to get the running again." *so she goes to work, taking her time* Andrew sits by his bedside and says to himself, "Man... I'd suck a dick for some water right now." *his mom storms back after hearing what he had said* "I'll buy you a soda if you do my first customer for me!"

Little Steven was scared to take a shower by himself, so he asked his mum to shower with him. She said ok just don’t look up. He looked up and said wow what are those. She said they are headlights. He looked under and stuck his finger in it and said oh what is that. She said that’s a Pu-pu-pu Bush!!

The next day Steven’s mom wasn’t home so he asked his Papa can I shower with you? He said ok just don’t look up. Well Steven looked up and said WTH IS THAT? His dad said it’s a Snake. That night he asked his parents if he can sleep with them. They said ok Just don’t look under the covers. He grew bored then looked under and Screamed mom turn on the headlights There’s a snake in the bush.

When Stephen Hawking died, he saw the stairway to Heaven.

He thought to himself, "Oh God, this is awkward!"

My dad killed himself because he was Hitler.

Why didn't Steven Hawkins get into fights?

'Cause he couldn't stand up for himself.

Why did the skeleton go to the movies by himself?

He had no body to go with.

So a cupcake walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender says to himself, "Damn, this is some good shit."

What do you call it when an orphan takes a photo of himself?

A family photo.

How do you win an argument against an emo kid?

Give him a gun, he'll just shoot himself.