Himself jokes
Why is the fat man roping himself to the side of a mountain?
So he doesn't roll back down!
Wanna hear somethin' ironic? When one cutter tells another cutter to stop, but he himself can't stop cutting.
A depressed man has been thinking of killing himself, and his friend says, "Find Jesus instead, he'll help you!"
And then the man says, "It's pretty hard to 'get help' from something that doesn't exist."
When the school shooter gives the autistic kid a glock and he shoots himself, thinking it’s a cigarette.
Stephen Hawking did not die; he deleted himself.
I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.
Jack and Jill went up to an abandoned house.
Jack drank too much and unzipped his fly. Jack said, "You know you wanna." Jill said, "No." So Jack locked both of them in the house and put a gag in Jill's mouth, tied her to a bed. He ripped off her dress and underwear. He took off his pants and his underwear too, then put on a condom. He then put a pill in her mouth and made her swallow. One minute later she was asleep. He took off her gag and mounted himself on her, then stuck his "candystick" in her mouth, next her fanny. Then his condom broke, but he was too drunk to notice. Nine months later a baby's born and Jack's in jail as the father.
Why couldn't the emo kid hang himself?
After eating through his feelings, the belt wouldn't fit around his neck.
Why did the orphan die?
He killed himself because the lack of a support system made him depressed.
Being unemployed is like watching our president fall over himself on the stairs.
There’s no hope.
I'd love it if you killed yourself, but Hitler killed himself and people still hate him…
Why did the skeleton go to the movies by himself?
He had no body to go with.
I bullied a handicap today.
What is he gonna do? Stand up for himself?
Why does Satan worship himself?
Jesus told him to worship God.
Little Johnny was walking down an alley and saw a lamp. After he rubbed it, a genie came out and said, "You have 10 seconds to have one wish." Little Johnny says he wants to pee alcohol. The genie grants his wish. He tells his family, and his sister doesn't believe it. After having a drink, she says, "We should have this every night!" Little Johnny gets two cups every night, one for him and his sister. He does the same thing for four nights. Eventually, he ran out of cups and has one left. He gives it to himself, and his sister asks, "Where's my cup?" Little Johnny replied, "You're drinking out of the bottle tonight."
Why does Adam go hockey, you might ask?
In my opinion, he shouldn't go because he is bad, but he needs the armor to protect himself from his own step-dad.
A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air, and men with spears are there.
One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So, what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren’t that crazy, so we will let you choose how you die."
The man from France said, "Bring me the poison."
The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun."
And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork."
The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them. The guy from France said, “For France!” and drank the poison and died. The man from Britain said, “Long live the Queen!” and shot himself and died. And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, “MAKE A CANOE OUT OF THIS YOU FUCKERS!”
Why did the chicken kill himself?
To get to the other side.
Why did Hitler kill himself? He knew the war was over at the beginning.
A guy tried to suffocate himself with his BMW exhaust, but his engine failed.
This is the first time German engineering fails to gas someone.