Hes jokes

Question: What happened to the depressed kid who tried to high five a tree?

Answer: He was left hanging.

Why does Santa have such a big sack? He only comes once a year.

Why couldn’t 3 ask 4 on a date?

Because he was 2 squared.

My friend had one request for me before he committed suicide, and that was to play Van Halen’s “Jump” at his funeral.

Did you hear about the dyslexic American police officer?

He shot a Ginger.

My friend was in a crash, so when he got put in a wheelchair, people bullied him, so I told him to stand up for himself.

What did the person with no hands get for Christmas?

He didn't open it yet.

I’m a cashier at a grocery store, and when I’m bored, I draw on my hands with a pen. Well, this guy walks up to me and says, “You know, I got mental illnesses from drawing on myself.”

And so, without thinking, I said, “Well, I’ve already got those, so I think I’m fine...” 😳 He looked concerned. Oops lol.

A man was mowing his lawn when blue and red stuff came out instead of grass. Next thing he knew, a smurf was on his shoulder asking if he’s seen his friend.

A man and woman were having sex. After they were done, the man asks the woman, "Are you a nurse?" The woman answers, "Yes. How did you know?" The man replies, "Because you took care of me so well." Then the woman asks the man, "Are you an anesthesiologist?" He says proudly, "Yes. How do you know?" The woman answers, "Because I didn't feel a thing."

An old man walks to a busy restaurant. He tells the waiter what he wants and asks her, "Can I have a discount? I served in the war."

The waitress says, "Of course, and would you like that meal with sauce?"

"Nein," said the old man.

I told a diabetic boy to have sweet dreams, and he died the next morning.

About the guy who gave Stevie Wonder a cheese grater...

He thought it was the most violent book he'd ever read.

A guy goes onto a rooftop bar and is sitting next to a guy who says he’s drinking a magical drink. He asks, “What’s so magical about it?” The guy drives a car and flies it around the rooftop. The other tries, but falls off and dies.

The bartender shakes his head and says, “Y’know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”

A guy is on trial for leading a mob to gang rape a woman he'd taken out for a date. His defense is that he was helping her live out a fantasy.

The DA is furious and asks him WTF gave him that idea. He said, "After the date I took her back to her house, pulled out my dick, and tried to hand it to her. She told me, 'You've gotta be fucking kidding me. Seriously, go get some help!'"

Why did the lion always lose at poker?

He was playing with a bunch of cheetahs.

Why did Bob fall off the swing while playing? Because he had no arms.

Knock, knock. Who's there?

Not Bob.

Why was the boy crying?

He had a frog stapled to his face.

One day, Little Susie got her monthly bleeding for the first time in her life.

Not quite certain what was happening, and somewhat frightened, she decided to tell Little Johnny. Little Susie dropped her panties and showed Little Johnny what was happening.

Little Johnny's eyes opened wide in amazement. "You know," he said, "I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"

Why did Michael Jackson go to Walmart? Because he heard boys' pants were half off!