Hes jokes
Q: Why did the trans man only eat salads?
A: Because he is a "herbefore."
So, a man finds a woman on a train track while he's on his way to a bar, and they had a lot of sex.
When he gets to the bar, he brags about the different sex positions they used, and one of the guys says, "Oh, did you do head?"
He responded with, "No, I couldn't find the head."
Did you hear that Michael Jackson once got food poisoning?
He ate 12-year-old nuts.
Your mama is so ugly, she tried summoning Candyman, but he refused to come!
John and Chloe are in school arguing about who has the more heroic grandfather.
Chloe says, "My grandfather killed 50 Nazis, he's so heroic!"
John says, "So what? My grandfather KILLED Hitler!"
Memes
Why does an orphan use water for his cereal?
He is waiting for his dad with the milk.
Why does Hitler hate golf?
He would end up in a bunker!
I asked the gym instructor,
"Can you teach me to do the splits?"
"How flexible are you?" he asked.
"Well, I can't make it on Fridays."
Why was the orphan so successful?
Because people always said, "Go big or go home," and he only had one option. ππ€£
Why did Michael Jackson dangle a baby over a balcony?
He wanted to clean out the blanket.
What does Jeff Bezos do before he goes to sleep?
He puts his PJ-Amazon!
Why did the emo kid not cross the road?
He was waiting for a car.
My homework was to watch as much porn as I can... and tell my teacher the details so he won't get in trouble for watching it during class.
What did Michael Jackson say before he died, as far as his childhood? "This is it."
Why did Michael Jackson allow little boys to sleep in his house? Because he's bad.
How did Santa feel when he got stuck in the chimney?
Claus-trophobic.
Jesus takes his disciples to a bar.
"13 pints of water, please," he says to the barman.
"Oh, fuck, not you again," the barman replies.
"You boys are about to see something real special," says Jesus.
I once called a depressed guy [to ask] why he loves ropes so much, and he left HUNGing on the phone. (I'm not English, so I could've talked bad.)
Why did Stephen Hawking go to hell?
Because he couldnβt climb up the stairs to heaven.
A cock really has a sad life. He's hairs a mess, his neighbor's an arsehole, his best friend is a cunt.