Hes jokes

How does a turkey drive a car? He wings it.

Why doesn't Kermit the frog get married?

He doesn't like commitment.

Why does Santa have such a big sack? He only comes once a year.

I was reading the news and read that a kid killed his family, and when they interviewed him, he said he wanted to become Batman.

When my dad left, he said he would bring back the milk, but 20 years later he only came with my new sister and eggs. And I confronted him, and he said, "I used all the milk to make your sister."

What do you call an orphan family photo?

A selfie.

But wait, what family? He never had one.

Why did all the numbers mourn 10? Because he was in the middle of 9, 11.

What was Michael Jackson's answer to the parents of the little boys who were left with him when asked why does he do it that way? Tell them that it's human nature.

"I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He later told me it was the most violent book he'd ever read."

I had a friend who was a dwarf. He committed suicide. He jumped off a curb.

Did you hear about the dyslexic American police officer?

He shot a Ginger.

A police officer pulls over two Catholic priests. He says he's looking for two child molesters.

The Catholic priests look at each other: "We'll do it!"

Why can’t orphans play baseball?

They can’t find home.

A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch. A woman passing by remarks, "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady." He replies, "If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself."

My friend had one request for me before he committed suicide, and that was to play Van Halen’s “Jump” at his funeral.

I was playing football and this guy comes to me, he was in a wheelchair.

We started playing rocket league.

It’s ok to yell “Kobe” after missing a shot, he didn’t make it either.

Why does JD Vance have strained diplomatic relations with Turkey?

He took away their ottoman!

My friend was in a crash, so when he got put in a wheelchair, people bullied him, so I told him to stand up for himself.

I guess making 9/11 jokes at the airport is better than shouting "He's got a gun!" at the airport.