Hes jokes

A girl walks up to her dad to ask for a dress for prom and he says, "Suck my dick and I'll buy you a dress." She does it and says to him, "Dad, your dick tastes like shit." And he says, "Yeah, your brother wanted a car."

"I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He later told me it was the most violent book he'd ever read."

A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch. A woman passing by remarks, "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady." He replies, "If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself."

Why can’t orphans play baseball?

They can’t find home.

A police officer pulls over two Catholic priests. He says he's looking for two child molesters.

The Catholic priests look at each other: "We'll do it!"

Why did all the numbers mourn 10? Because he was in the middle of 9, 11.

You marry a single mother with an adult daughter. Now, your father marries the daughter. So, your father is your son now, because he is married to your daughter-in-law. But as your father's son and your father's father, you're your own grandpa!

When my dad left, he said he would bring back the milk, but 20 years later he only came with my new sister and eggs. And I confronted him, and he said, "I used all the milk to make your sister."

I was reading the news and read that a kid killed his family, and when they interviewed him, he said he wanted to become Batman.

When Kobe's pilot hit the mountain, he said, "Kobe."

Why does an orphan always get out in baseball?

Because he can't run home.

Why couldn't the orphan watch Spiderman? He couldn't find his way home.

I tried to give directions to an orphan, but he got lost because there was no home.

I saw an orphan in the grocery store and asked him, "Where's your mom?" and he cried. Why?

What do you call a dog with no legs? Call him whatever you want, he's not coming.

Why was the orphan so successful?

They told him, "Go big or go home," he only had one option.

Do you know Mike Hawk? No, who is he? Mike Hawk in your MOUTH!

I was swimming in a pool on my vacation when a fan of mine approached me. He said he wanted an autograph and gave me a pen to sign it. I accidentally dropped the pen in the pool. Suddenly, Penaldo came out of NOWHERE and dove to save it. He said he always dives for pens.

A guy was in one of the Twin Towers and he ordered pepperoni pizza, but he didn't get it. He got a plane instead.

So the coach got mad at me because I'm the only one on my team who is only a bit on the spectrum, and I was just keeping the ball to myself. The coach pulled me aside and said, "Pass to others." I said, "Why?" And he said, "There's no 'I' in 'team.'" I said, "Yeah, but there's an 'm' and an 'e.'"