Chuck Norris once heard nothing can kill him. So he tracked down nothing and killed it.
A prisoner was told how he'll be executed. Needless to say, he was shocked.
What's the difference between Stephen Hawking and the computer he's hooked up to? The computer runs.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He just stares them down and gets the information he wants.
Why was the man fired from a calendar factory? He took a day off.
What was Frankenstein's second job? -- He was a bodybuilder.
What do you call a dog with no legs? -- Doesn't matter what you call him, he's not coming.
Why was the DJ banned from the supermarket? -- He was stealing all the samples.
Why did the author go to the emergency room?
His editor told him he needed an appendix removed.
What did Captain Picard say when he brought his sewing machine to the repairman? -- "Make it sew."
What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? -- "Bison."
What did the fish say before he hit the wall? -- "Oh, dam."
What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller? -- "Curses! Foil again!"
Why is Stephen Hawking a bad role model? -- He doesn't stand for anything.
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.
Why couldn't the whistleblower leave his house? -- He was snowed in.
Why couldn't a lifeguard save the hippie? -- Because he was too far out, man.
Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? -- Because he can't do stand up.
I bought my son a fridge for Christmas. I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand? -- He nuts and bolts.
