Hereness jokes

I know you came here to feel good about yourself...

Guys, I'm back...

Here's my joke:

What is blue and red all over?

Blood in the water of a shark attack victim.

A sandwich walks into a bar.

Bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

Me: Hey, are your parents here?

Orphan: (crying) STOP CALLING HERE!

I hope you SEA me around later, 'cause I SHORE won't stay here for long.

We have a new member of staff here today. He has no arms, no legs, and no body. He will be known as "The Head."

Orphanage protest jokes here!

Anybody here from 4chan?

Gwen and Prince chat and talk and discuss; we won't bother you! Here! Enjoy!

C'mon guys, I know I'm not the only bored one around here!

Clarissa is here with us.

Two fish in a bowl. First fish asks, "Haven't I seen you around here before?"

The second fish replies, "F**k me, a talking fish!"

Why doesn't Mexico win any medals in the summer Olympics anymore?

Because all the Mexicans that can run, swim, or jump are already here.

I walked up to some Arabs and said "Alawakba," then here came the second tower.

How do terrorists feed their children?

"Here comes the airplane!"

Here's what to do if an annoying person keeps talking to you. First, ignore them until they ask you if you're going to respond. Then ask them: if they were walking down the street and a rabid dog suddenly started barking at them, would they get on all fours and bark back? After that, continue to ignore them.

A buddy and I checked out some books from a local library. When we returned them, he said, "Your sister works the returns, right?" I told him, "Yes, she does, and she will be here in about five minutes." He said, "Why don’t we put a cookbook in the women’s sports section?" I told him, "I love it!" So I picked out a Reese Witherspoon book.

Me: *gives her 5 dollars* Climb that flag pole. Cute female: *takes the money and goes up the flag pole* Is this good? Me: Hell yeah, that's a nice view.

*Next day* Here's 10 dollars if you do it again. *She goes up there* Me: How's the view? *She goes home and her mom sees the money* Her mom: Where you getting this money? Her daughter: I climbed a flagpole. Her mom: You know he just wants you to see your panties, right? *She goes back and does it again but doesn't wear panties* Me: Holy shit ;-; Her mom: Did you do it again? Her daughter: Don't worry, Mom, he didn't get to see my panties. Her mom:...

TFW you're having sex with your German girlfriend and she won't stop telling you her age.

One day little Jonny is in class. It is the second day back to school. The teacher is annoyed with the kids, so she goes to the front of the class and says, "If you think you are stupid, stand up." Little Jonny stood up.

The teacher asked him, "Why do you think you're stupid?" Little Jonny said, "I don't think I am stupid."

Then the teacher asked little Jonny why he stood up. Then little Jonny replied, "I just felt bad seeing you standing here alone."