Hereness jokes

A guy dies and finds himself in Hell. Despondent, he sits on the ground and weeps uncontrollably.

Demon: "Why so sad, my friend?"

Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Demon: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?"

Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."

Demon: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, is drink. Whiskey, tequila, vodka, beer... We drink till we throw up and then drink some more."

Guy: "Gee, that sounds great!"

Demon: "You a smoker?"

Guy: "You better believe it."

Demon: "Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our fucking lungs out. If you get cancer, it's ok, you're already dead!"

Guy: "Golly."

Demon: "I bet you like to gamble."

Guy: "Yes, as a matter of fact, I do."

Demon: "Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it."

Guy: "Wow."

Demon: "You like to do drugs?"

Guy: "Well, I love to do drugs. You don't mean..."

Demon: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a joint the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's ok... You're already dead!"

Guy: "Neat! I never realized hell was such a swingin' place!"

Demon: "You gay?"

Guy: "Uh, no."

Demon: "Ohhh... You're gonna hate Fridays...."

If there was a quiz on midgets, here’s the Midget quiz and the questions that would be on it:

1. When midgets get high on any drug, do they get high or medium?

2. Do midgets come out the closet or the cabinet?

3. Are Midgets related to Snow White’s 7 Dwarfs?

4. Is a midget just a human without the mushroom in Mario?

5. Was this funny?

A toddler was giving her daddy a tea party.

She brought him a little cup of "tea" which was just water, of course. After several cups of tea, her Mom came home. Dad made her wait in the living room to watch his little Princess bring him a cup of tea, because it was, "Just the cutest thing!" Mom waited, and sure enough, here she come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy. She watches him drink it up and then says, "You know the only place she can reach water, is the toilet!"

Normal Kids: Today is a lovely day.

Emo kids: Here lies Chris, he shot himself!

I hope you SEA me around later, 'cause I SHORE won't stay here for long.

What makes jokes because it's lonely and a complete and utter loser?

This guy, yep, this guy right here.

Hey, talk to me here!

I know you came here to feel good about yourself...

Deku: Hey Todoroki, are you done with your Halloween costume?

Todoroki: Yes. *comes out in a macaroni outfit*

Deku: Wha- I'm todoroni.

Bakugo: OMFG, I'm out! *blows up UA*

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Leaf. “Leaf” who? Leaf my house, or else you will regret it. You don’t live here, you dumb idiot! ?!

Planes shouldn't have free Wi-Fi. Why? Because the last time they had free Wi-Fi, well here's what happened...

On September eleventh 2001, (children scream).

I have had it up to here with you.

(Then there Hight.)

What did the terrorist do when New York didn’t want his food:

Here comes the airplane.

Billy: Hey kid, why are you sad?

Orphan: Oh, I'm waiting for my parents.

Billy: Oh, and how long have you been here?

Orphan: About 200 years.

I got these two people in my class we call them Twin Towers, so when I heard about it I threw a paper airplane at them.

Student: It's hot in here.

Teacher: That's because I'm in here.

The emo girl got jealous that her phone died and not her.

What did the plane say to the twin towers?

"Lmao, you twins don't know how to play Jenga. Here, let me show you how!" (BOOM) ;)

A sandwich walks into a bar.

Bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

Guys, I'm back...

Here's my joke:

What is blue and red all over?

Blood in the water of a shark attack victim.