Hereness jokes

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:

"Are - my - test - results - back?"

Actually, it isn't a bear joke, but bear with me here...

Yo momma decided to go to KFC until she realized she had to share with her family, so she bought ten buckets and the cashier said, "Here is the receipt." Now yo momma got afraid of how much money she had to spend, despiting on how she spent more than Drake's net worth that he can even lend. She went back home seeing her family looking at her and the KFC, thinking that could be her rent, but the whole family dug into the food. By the second they see the plates empty and seeing the lazy mom steady, she ate so much she wasn't ready until she fell, which caused an earthquake, which made her go to jail, which caused her to be scary.

My crush: OMG, my dog just died!😭😭😭😭😭

Me: Oh my goodness, I am so sorry. I am here for you!

My crush: I have a boyfriend...🙄

Me: Yeah well, I have a dog.

Two muffins are in an oven. One muffin says to the other, "Man, it's hot in here!"

The other muffin says, "OH MY GOSH A TALKING MUFFIN!!!!"

Here's a list of puns, not all of them are mine.

1. Smaller babies may be delivered by stork, but the heavier ones need a crane.

2. Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

3. My sister bet that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti. You should’ve seen her face when I drove pasta.

4. Getting the ability to fly would be so uplifting.

5. Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”

6. Why was the cookie sad? Because his mom was a wafer long!

7. Why didn’t the cat go to the vet? He was feline fine!

8. How do you make a good egg-roll? You push it down a hill!

9. That baseball player was such a bad sport. He stole third base and then just went home!

10. My parents said I can’t drink coffee anymore. Or else they’ll ground me!

Here is a good joke: asking for consent before sex.

What do an Apple company and an orphanage have that are different?

Apples actually get picked... Unlike little Timmy here... He's been here for 16 years.

Me calling the orphan kid from school: "Hello, are your parents home?"

The orphan kid: *starts sobbing* "STOP CALLING HERE!"

Here comes the plane... the twins. ☠️

Waiter: "Here you go, one medium-rare steak."

Me: "I like it well done."

Waiter: "Thanks, that means a lot!"

"Me tells dad joke often."

"I want to hear it."

"Me? You wouldn't get it."

Here’s one for the Aussies: What’s the difference between an echidna and a police car? All the pricks are on the inside.

A burger walks into a bar and says, "Hi sir, can I have a glass of water?"

And the waiter says, "I'm sorry sir, we don't serve food here."

Person: Bro, you have a bad and stupid life.

Me: Yeah, it was all good till you were here!

Person: WTF!

Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like an apple.

Knock knock.

Who's there? Discord server.

Discord server who?

This server is dead, bye bitches, I got better things to do than watch you sit here and type like a sloth.

When your parents say, "We are sorry that you are here," what do you think of that?

I think that you're an accident!

Hey, I just want to give a round of applause to Shooter McFly, single-handedly keeping the jokes section alive. Unappreciated, well, Shooter, one person here appreciates you, at least.

Stephen Hawking is better than NASA. They study black holes that are 8 billion years old, while he was down here on Earth staring at 14-year-old black holes. 😈😈😈