New Help Jokes - Page 15 - Worst Jokes Ever

Chesley, in horror, runs out of the cockpit of the plane coming from London, "I'm so very sorry, everyone. I punched the wrong buttons, and we are heading to DC instead of New York, and we are about to run out of fuel." He opens the door and turns around to the five passengers and exclaimed, "I've parachutes but miscounted. We only got four for the passengers." He jumps off.

Donald faced the other four and orders:

"I'm the greatest leader of the world, and I'll make the decision. Tony, you go first. Our country needs you. The whole wide world needs you. Pandemic is raging."

Tony jumps off.

"Francis, my friend, you go next. Pandemic is ravaging the mind and body of millions. Their soul needs saving. Save Vladimir's and Xi's for me."

Francis jumps off.

Hillary faced Donald furiously. "Who are you to make decisions for us? I should have been president. I'm the smartest woman in the whole world in history."

Hillary jumps off.

Donald gazed at the young woman and started talking: "I'm an old man. I have already lived a full life - beautiful wives, children, just a beautiful life. Just beautiful. I've become president of the most powerful country, the most beautiful, the richest. Regrets? I've made a few but did it my way. Greta, go on. Your future is bright. I just wish I can make my country great again and have the chance to help save the world with you. I believe in second chances. Look at my bankruptcies, believe me. And I wish I've played more golf and..."

Greta interjected, "Just shut the f* up. The plane is about to crash. Let's go and save the world. The smartest woman in history took my backpack!"

So I meet with a therapist on a weekly basis. We talk about my depression and how it's been getting worse. Recently, I've been advised about my condition, and how I've been discussing with her about being suicidal. She's been very helpful throughout it. I was even told I can pay in advance from now on, so I don't have to worry about it later.

Armless child: Can you give me a hand??

Me: Ok.

I was just sitting down when all of a sudden she screamed, "Help!"

How does a peadophile help a kid with maths? He adds the bed, divides the clothes, and multiplies with the whole classroom.

A priest is drowning in a river. A boat comes along and asks to help him. He says, "Leave me alone, God will save me." The next day another boat came along and asked to help him. Again he said, "Leave me alone, God will save me." The next day the last boat came and asked to help him. Once again he told the boat that God will save him. The next day he died. He went to heaven and asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God said, "I sent you three f***ing boats and you didn't take them!"

All my jokes are cries for help.

INCLUDING THIS ONE.

In my free time, I like to help blind people.

Verb, not adjective.

A man in a wheelchair and his friend were walking down the street.

Man in Wheelchair: *falls out of wheelchair*

Friend: Are you okay?

Man in Wheelchair: I can't feel my legs!

I help suicidal people.

BTW verb not adjective.

Disabled people can help the world to get a printed copy of "Leaning Tower of Pisa," exactly leaned at an angle.

What did one Koala say to the other?

"Help me I'm burning. Aaaugh!!! Oh fuck oh fuck I'm on fire!! AAAAaugh!"

When your mum tells you to help your granny And you in plug life support.

What did one nut say to the other nut? "Help!"

How can you save a depressed person from a tree?

You cut the rope.

Hi, welcome to Dave's Orphanage. You make them, we take them. How may I help you?

So one day, I took a trip to Russia and saw Vladimir Putin walking in the streets without any bodyguards. Seeing as how I looked just like him, we switched places for a few days.

After two days, some officer came up to me and asked if we were going to project блять, and I said yes, and the officer said, "God help us."

So a day later, I heard on the news that every other continent and the moon were destroyed. I then approached the officer and said, "I thought you meant we were having a giant orgy." He said, "We did, and that we were extremely drunk."