Help jokes

Armless child: Can you give me a hand??

Me: Ok.

I was just sitting down when all of a sudden she screamed, "Help!"

How does a peadophile help a kid with maths? He adds the bed, divides the clothes, and multiplies with the whole classroom.

A priest is drowning in a river. A boat comes along and asks to help him. He says, "Leave me alone, God will save me." The next day another boat came along and asked to help him. Again he said, "Leave me alone, God will save me." The next day the last boat came and asked to help him. Once again he told the boat that God will save him. The next day he died. He went to heaven and asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God said, "I sent you three f***ing boats and you didn't take them!"

All my jokes are cries for help.

INCLUDING THIS ONE.

In my free time, I like to help blind people.

Verb, not adjective.

A man in a wheelchair and his friend were walking down the street.

Man in Wheelchair: *falls out of wheelchair*

Friend: Are you okay?

Man in Wheelchair: I can't feel my legs!

I help suicidal people.

BTW verb not adjective.

Disabled people can help the world to get a printed copy of "Leaning Tower of Pisa," exactly leaned at an angle.

What did one Koala say to the other?

"Help me I'm burning. Aaaugh!!! Oh fuck oh fuck I'm on fire!! AAAAaugh!"

When your mum tells you to help your granny And you in plug life support.

What did one nut say to the other nut? "Help!"

How can you save a depressed person from a tree?

You cut the rope.

Hi, welcome to Dave's Orphanage. You make them, we take them. How may I help you?

So one day, I took a trip to Russia and saw Vladimir Putin walking in the streets without any bodyguards. Seeing as how I looked just like him, we switched places for a few days.

After two days, some officer came up to me and asked if we were going to project блять, and I said yes, and the officer said, "God help us."

So a day later, I heard on the news that every other continent and the moon were destroyed. I then approached the officer and said, "I thought you meant we were having a giant orgy." He said, "We did, and that we were extremely drunk."

If Italy attacked France from the rear, would Greece help?

Did you hear about the man who swallowed his watch?

He went to the doctor hoping he could give him something to help pass the time.

My fifth wife asked me to help her dig in the garden. Here we go again.

I love working with animals, especially when I get to hear their cries of help.

Friend #1: "Yo guys, what's the most unfair game you've ever played? For me it's Fortnite." Friend #2: "I'd have to say Monopoly." Me: "The most unfair game you say? Life, definitely. Like, no one wins, it's a one-way game." Friend #2: "Uhh...that's not exactly what he meant..." Friend #1: *calls the suicide hotline*