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Help jokes

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    • So one day, I took a trip to Russia and saw Vladimir Putin walking in the streets without any bodyguards. Seeing as how I looked just like him, we switched places for a few days.

    After two days, some officer came up to me and asked if we were going to project блять, and I said yes, and the officer said, "God help us."

    So a day later, I heard on the news that every other continent and the moon were destroyed. I then approached the officer and said, "I thought you meant we were having a giant orgy." He said, "We did, and that we were extremely drunk."

    Did you hear about the man who swallowed his watch?

    He went to the doctor hoping he could give him something to help pass the time.

    Friend #1: "Yo guys, what's the most unfair game you've ever played? For me it's Fortnite."

    Friend #2: "I'd have to say Monopoly."

    Me: "The most unfair game you say? Life, definitely. Like, no one wins, it's a one-way game."

    Friend #2: "Uhh...that's not exactly what he meant..."

    Friend #1: *calls the suicide hotline*

    Tech administrator of a school: Hm, a message from Google security?

    Tech administrator of a school: OH SHIT!

    Assistant: WHAT, WHAT, TELL ME?

    Tech administrator of a school: WE'VE BEEN COMPROMISED, WE FORGOT TO SECURE THE SITE!

    Assistant: OK, OK, THE KEY IS NOT TO PANIC... let's call the school board.

    A FEW MOMENTS LATER

    Head of school board: HAHAHAHAHAHA! That's a good one, almost as good as the one with Jack, Jill, and the ripped condom! HAHAHAHAHAHA

    Tech administrator of a school: HAHAHA yeah I know right *whispers* you are playing it cool, right?

    Head of school board: *whispers* yeah we're fucked...

    TWO HOURS LATER

    Important fat people in one room: OH FUCK OH NO, HELP PLEASE!!!!! WAIT, HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO TELL THE PARENTS ABOUT THEIR STOLEN INFORMATION!!!

    AND SO THAT WAS THE BIRTH OF RIOTING TEACHER

    I got pranked so many times. Once I saw two wheels rolling down the street. I heard this noise. I looked behind me. There's a legless man in a wheelless chair screaming, "HELP! I CAN'T GO ANYWHERE!" but I walked away. I knew it was a prank.

    "One silent evening, a man walks to his fridge to get some food. He sets out a fork and napkin on the table. He reaches to grab a salad topped with olives and cheese. He sets the food down on the table and begins to add tomatoes, condiments, and..." He is interrupted. "Why are you saying this aloud?" A young boy asks his father. The father replies with, "You wanted to know how to live on your own, but I guess experience is more helpful," he says as he rushes the child out of the front door.

    Q. There were two sisters. One was having twins and asked her sister to help name the children. If one was named Deniece, what was the other named?

    A. Denephew.

    Yo mama eat so much that she threw up a thousand times and said, "Help me, son!"

    Brother: "I can hear you using the vibrator every night, I’m right here if you need help."

    Sister: "That’s my f***ing electric toothbrush!"

    Brother: "Oh, well the offer still stands."

    A lawyer bought a beautiful yacht. He invited the law firm to come aboard for a great weekend.

    Saturday night was the candle light dinner and Sam drank too much, walked on the deck and fell over the rail into the water and was calling for help. Tom said, "Oh no, the sharks will get him." All of the party lined along the rail and noticed the sharks were swimming around him in a circle. Jim said, "The sharks are not even bothering him!" And a shark lifted up his head out of the water and said, "Professional Courtesy."

    How do you sex?

    With penis!

    Jajajajja funny joke epic laugh. I have been detained, please help!