Did you hear about the new Exorcist movie? The Devil came to get the Priest out of the child.
Wanna hear somethin' ironic?
When one cutter tells another cutter to stop, but he himself can't stop cutting.
What do you call an Asian who can't hear?
Wha U Sai
Did you hear about the bisexual from Alabama? He can't decide whether to fuck his brother or his sister.
Little Johnny was playing with his train and said, "All you motherf*ckers who want to get off, get off, and all you motherf*ckers who want to get on, get on." His mother hears him and asks, "Is that you cussing?" The mother said, "Go to your room for 1 hour." Little Johnny goes to his room, then comes back one hour later and said, "All you motherf*ckers who wanna get off, get off, and all you motherf*ckers who wanna get on, get on, and if you wanna know about the 1 hour delay, go ask the b*tch in the kitchen."
One time this kid came back from school and said, "Mom I have one good news and one bad news, which one do you wanna hear first?" And his mom said, "Good news please," and the boy said, "I got 100% on my math test today." and his mom gave him a hug, and the boy said, "Now to the bad news, I LIED!"
Did you hear about the German girl being raped by 10 men? She shouted, "nein, nein," so one of them left.
Wanna hear a terrible joke?
Paper
Pretty tear-able, huh?
A woman walks into a doctor's office. She schedules an appointment and sits down in the waiting room. When it's her turn to talk to the doctor, she describes all of her symptoms, and they're unlike anything he's heard before. The doctor runs a few tests and steps out of the room. He comes back later, and says, "Well, I have good news and bad news." The woman says, "I'll hear the good news first please." The doctor replies, "The good news is we're naming a disease after you!"
Did you hear about Johnny Depp's shelter for abused women? It's going as well as Michael Jackson's children's hospital!
I can hear thunder outside, which I find weird since the lightning is on my arm...
Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive? -- It was a grave mistake.
Did you hear about the Pillsbury Dough Boy? He died of a yeast infection.
Hear about the restaurant called karma? There is no menu: You get what you deserve.
I went to the store and I saw a kid with fake airpods, and I was going to tell him, "Nice fake airpods," but it was his hearing aids.
An old woman goes to the doctor complaining of extremely smelly gas.
"I don't understand it, Doc," she said, "I have this terrible, terrible gas." "Thankfully," she added, "they are at least silent when I fart."
Doctor hands her a bottle of pills, tells her take them all and then come back to see him.
The old woman returned a short time later extremely mad. "I took those pills like you said and not only is my gas smelly, but now when I fart they are obnoxiously loud!", she yelled.
The doctor said, "well, now that we've solved your hearing problem, let's see what we can do about that gas".
Did you hear about the new emo pizza? It cuts itself.
I hear skeletons like to play the saxaBONE, though I think the tromBONE would be better, but tibia honest, both can be HUMERUS, wouldn't wanna hurt your funny bone, but I think your starting to get BONELY so I'll stop pulling your leg. Now get out before I give you a bad time.
Did you hear about the man who ran in front of the bus? He got tired.
Jason: Did you hear about the storm-trooper who attempted suicide?
Dave: No.
Jason: Well, he hit his first target.
