Have jokes

I’ve always been a bit insecure about having thicker thighs.

Now I realize it allows me to fit more scars!

My thighs have a different texture pack than the rest of me.

Roses are red, violets are blue, you have a big forehead, and your hairline recedes too.

My friends were worried that I was making suicide jokes so much, so I said, "Don't worry, you won't have to hear them much longer."

Today a child asked if I was an angel. I asked why, and he said, "Mommy says that angels have marks on their wrists because they don't want to be in this world."

Why do I have to go to a shooting range when I can go to school and do it for free?

Why do dwarfs hate fast food restaurants? Cause most of them have medium and large.

Why does the United States have such a good military? Because they learn to dodge bullets in school.

What do leaves and suicidal people have in common? Nothing, one falls from the tree and one doesn't.

Why does Santa have three gardens?

So he can Hoe Hoe Hoe!

How many brain cells does a pregnant blonde have?

Two, one for her and one for the baby.

Why can't Biden play chess?

Because he doesn't have the towers.

So the other day, I was looking up zodiac sign stuff, you know, I'm a real big fan of that, and I come across this thing and it’s like all zodiac signs have their own hairstyles... except Cancer.

"What's your name, son?" the principal asked his student. The kid replied, "D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir." "Do you have a stutter?" the principal asked. The student answered, "No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk."

First of all, if a woman sues Bill Cosby for drugging and rape 50 years ago, and she could still remember it, it couldn't have been all bad.

At the restaurant, the waitress starts flirting with me. "She must have COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked. "'Cause she clearly has no taste." She responded.

I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store.

I said to him: "I don't think they have what you're looking for, sir."

So a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods.

The boy turns to the man and says, "Hey mister, it's getting dark out, and I’m scared... Can we go back now?"

So the man says: "How do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone!"

Have you heard about the guy whose friends teased him because he pays for sex? He doesn't pay anymore.

On a hot summer's day, a famous celebrity tweeted, "It is a beautiful day, and I'm deciding which kid to have fun with today." To which the local priest replied, "I too am deciding which of your kids to have fun with today."