Have jokes
A woman walks into a doctor's office. She schedules an appointment and sits down in the waiting room. When it's her turn to talk to the doctor, she describes all of her symptoms, and they're unlike anything he's heard before. The doctor runs a few tests and steps out of the room. He comes back later, and says, "Well, I have good news and bad news." The woman says, "I'll hear the good news first please." The doctor replies, "The good news is we're naming a disease after you!"
If you slit your wrist while crying in pain, that's self-harm.
If you slit your wrist but have no expression, that's acting.
It isn't any of those if it's suicide.
So I had a friend who was an orphan, and he said, "How's your girlfriend?" I said, "I don't have one." He said, "I know, just reminding you." I then said, "Hey, how's your parents?" I never saw him after that.
What does a cannibal and a spider have in common?
Both have eight legs.
How do you know when a woman is going to have a black baby?
When she takes the tampon out, all the cotton is picked.
"Dude, can you believe Republicans are opposed to homosexuality, women's rights, and immigration, yet they are silent when it comes to incest and child molestation?"
"Well, I'm not surprised. Republicans have to win the Alabama vote, or else."
Like if you have balls.
What's the only time you can do almost whatever you want?
When you have a gun in your hand.
What do Catholic priests and school shooters have in common?
They both like to dump their loads into little kids.
If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
What do U.S. airstrikes and dark humor have in common?
They're normally pointed towards Africa and the Middle East.
You shouldn’t bully fat people.
They already have enough on their plate.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I have been tripping all day!
Bully: "Nobody loves you."
Me: "Aww, it must have hurt when your mom told you that."
What does a glory hole and a confessional booth have in common?
A blowjob is anonymous.
What do turtles and lesbians have in common? They both choke on plastic.
What does Stephen Hawking have in common with a bull? They both charge.
One time this kid came back from school and said, "Mom I have one good news and one bad news, which one do you wanna hear first?" And his mom said, "Good news please," and the boy said, "I got 100% on my math test today." and his mom gave him a hug, and the boy said, "Now to the bad news, I LIED!"
What does a rock and a girl have in common?
The flat ones get skipped.
My wrists have a different texture pack than the rest of me.