Michael Jackson goes to the doctor.
Michael Jackson: "Help, doctor, I've been shot!" Doctor: "I can't fix that, but I can change your skin color so it doesn't happen again."
You know, I got a SKELETON of these jokes. All are HUMERUS. Yeah, this gets under people’s SKIN, but I guess you could call their FUNNY BONE BROKEN! People try and hit me when this happens, luckily, I got THICK SKIN! Yeah, thanks for listening. Hope you got these puns down TO THE BONE!
A little girl and a little boy are taking a bath together when the little girl looks down and asks, "What's that?" The little boy says, "That's my little red race car." 10 minutes later, the boy looks down and asks, "What's that?" The little girl says, "That's my little red race car garage."
So later that night the boy asks the little girl if he can put his little red race car in her little red race car garage. She says yes, and they pull down their pants and the boy tries putting his little red race car in her garage, but it won't fit. Downstairs, the mother hears an ear-piercing scream and runs upstairs, flips on the lights, and sees blood on the floor. The mother asks, "What happened?" The little girl says, "We tried putting his car in my garage and it wouldn't fit, so I cut the back wheels off."
Me: "Oh man, things are really happening for me! I have so much to do!"
Depression: "Lie in bed."
What happens to grapes when you step on them? They wine.
What happened when the teacher tied all the students' shoe laces together?
They took a class trip.
What happened to the depressed kid who tried to high five a tree?
Answer: He was left there hanging.
Yep, this happens when you play G.T.A., good God!
What happens when a battery commits a crime? They get charged!
Here comes the airplane.
9/11 happens the next day.
There's no Asian kids in my class, but it just happens to be the rice store and the pet store just ran out of stock...
What would happen if a dam broke when you are on it?
You would be dam unlucky.
What's the worst part about burning your vegetables before dinner?
Explaining what happened to the nursing home while you're hungry.
What happened when the American broke his arm?
He went broke.
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?
The Dark Knight Rises.
So I was on a Discord call the other day, and one of my friends, an American buddy, joined, and we had a conversation.
Until they said: "When did pounds change to quid?"
And I said: "They're the exact same thing."
Then they said: "But when did it happen?"
So I said: "When did school change to shooting range?"
What happens if the dumbest person from Europe goes to the US?
The average IQ increases in both places.
What happens to Mary Poppins when the wind dies down?
*Mary Poppins seen falling in background*
Mom: That's why your dad left you.
Me: Why?
Mom: I mean look at you, depressed, suicidal, and unhappy, always anxious, and other mental health issues.
Me: How is that my fault? You are a rude mom!
Mom: Your dad had a heart attack two weeks before you were born, because you are ugly!
(This actually did happen in real life.)
