Happening Jokes

A blonde crashes an airplane.

Officer: Could you please explain to me what happened?

Woman: It got so cold in the plane, I turned the fan off.

Officer: *face palms self*

Also officer: Here's your sign.

It's hard to predict the future,

especially before it happens.

My history teacher asked my class what time they would go back to just to see what happened.

I said I'd go back to Hitler's childhood to tell him the lies that he becomes the ruler of the world by starting the Nazis, and leave his death out of the discussion.

Jim walks into a bar and asks for a shot of vodka. He then says to the barkeep, "Who's the toughest guy in here?"

The barkeep points to a man at the pool table. Jim then knocked him out and paid for the shot and left. He did this every Friday for 2 months. Finally, the barkeep is pissed because Jim keeps knocking out all of his customers. He then orders a gorilla and puts him in the bathroom.

Jim walks into the bar and gets another shot of vodka. He asks again, "Who's the toughest guy in here tonight?" The bartender points to the bathroom and says he's in there. Jim walks into the bathroom and everyone in the bar can hear yelling and screaming. The bartender asks, "What happened in there?" Jim smiles and says, "I don't know who that was, but when he wakes up tell him I put his fur jacket in the toilet."

Yo mama so fat and old, she is the reason the Great Depression happened.

wear sweatpants.

A pie chart titled "Things I Would Do During A Zombie Apocalypse." The largest section, colored red, represents "Get Really Excited That 'it's actually Happening!'" Other small sections include "Seek Refuge", "Get Weapons", "Raid Shops for Food", and "Make A Video Diary". Below the pie chart are the words: "THIS is what gets you killed."

What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?

It becomes a chestnut.

What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?

He became a shell of who he once was.

What happens to Stephen Hawking when he logs in to his account on Google when it says, "I am not a robot?"

What happens if a boy bumps into a dog?

It’s a bumper team.

What happens when a frog parks illegally?

He gets toad.

When Peter Pan jumped off the Twin Towers, what happened? He Neverland.

If I had a dime for everytime the Australian president shat himself in a McDonald's, I would have one dime, which is not a lot, but it's weird that it happened.