Guess

Guess jokes

Woman

    • A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday.

    She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, “I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”

    “About 32,” is the reply.

    “Nope! I’m exactly 50,” the woman says happily.

    A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

    The girl replies, “I’d guess about 29.” The woman replies with a big smile, “Nope, I’m 50.”

    Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.

    She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.

    The clerk responds, “Oh, I’d say 30.”

    Again she proudly responds, “I’m 50, but thank you!”

    While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

    He replies, “Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.”

    They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, “What the hell, go ahead.”

    He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

    After a couple of minutes of this, she says, “Okay, okay... How old am I?”

    He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, “Madam, you are 50.”

    Stunned and amazed, the woman says, “That was incredible, how could you tell?”

    “I was behind you at McDonalds’."

  • 3

    • Suicide

    • Today I gave a blind guy a gun and told him it was a hair dryer. Since I have no fingerprints, the police said it was suicide. I guess you can say I took care of him!

  • 0

    • Homeless

    • This isn't a joke.

    There was a homeless family in need of a room, but the guy said no more rooms because they were homeless. So, they got into a barn, and the mother gave birth to a young healthy boy. Before you say anything bad to a homeless man, that little boy was born on December 25th. Guess who it is.

    JESUS CHRIST!!!!!! STOP HURTING THE HOMELESS PEOPLE AND START HELPING THEM!!!!!!!!

  • 6
    • Guess memes

    Man

    • Part 1: Two men were walking down the way when the third one came.

    Part 2: Two men were walking down the way when the third one came.

    Part 3: Two men were walking down the way when the third one came.

    Part 4: Guess what... two men were walking down the way when the second one fell in the sewers and died... The first one was lonely.

    Squirrel

    • The other day a squirrel asked me for a job. I asked him, "What jobs did you have previously?"

    Calmly he answered, "I am a pilot. I can pick it up from here and pile it over there. I also can fly a sign!"

    "Too bad, this is a nut cannery, and we're 100% automated. We don't need anyone at this time, sorry."

    "No worries, I'm totally nuts anyway. Guess I'll fly a sign across town, don't have bus fare!"

  • 0

    • Party Pooper

    • I called my sister a party pooper after she came to my party uninvited.

    Grampa said that the only ones who poop at parties are the ones who don't get invited.

    So I guess that means I was the party pooper at my own birthday?

  • 0

    • Teacher

    • In geometry class, the teacher went up to the board and drew a 23-degree angle.

    She then drew a 67-degree angle. The class was astonished when the angles started talking! The first one said, "That's a lovely blouse you're wearing," and the second one chimed in, "And I love what you've done with your hair."

    The students asked the teacher if she knew what was going on. She sighed and said, "Well, these angles are supposed to be complementary, but I guess they don't know how to spell."

  • 1

    • Skeleton

    • You know, I got a SKELETON of these jokes. All are HUMERUS. Yeah, this gets under people’s SKIN, but I guess you could call their FUNNY BONE BROKEN! People try and hit me when this happens, luckily, I got THICK SKIN! Yeah, thanks for listening. Hope you got these puns down TO THE BONE!

  • 1

    • Love

    • A kid asks his mom, "Mom, how much do you love me?" The mother responds with, "I love you as much as I love your brother." The kid looks confused and says, "But I don't have a brother." The mother smiles and says, "Well, I guess my love is not existing."

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