Grocery jokes

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

One's plastic and dangerous to play with; the other is to carry groceries.

So my mom sent a text saying, "I'm gonna need help carrying groceries when I get back." That was 3 months ago.

Did you hear about the tomato and the lettuce race?

Well, the lettuce was ahead, and the tomato was trying to ketchup!

What kind of nuts come in cans?

Creamed a-corn.

So, my mom was talking to me and told me to go to the store. When I get there, there’s a sign, but then someone tells me that’s just someone with a ginormous forehead.

My Dad went for some milk. He never came back :)

So Stephen Hawking walked into a grocery store.

Never mind.

My 14 year old daughter went shopping at a grocery story.

She gets to the register and she asked the cashier to scan her scarred wrist.

The cashier scanned it and replied with, "Ma'am this item is worthless."

So, Johnny was working at a deli. A woman walks up and asks, "Do you have any salad?" Johnny says, "No." She asks, "What about carrots?" Again, Johnny says, "No." She says, "What about bananas?" Johnny says, "Tell ya what, spell out 'lad' in salad." She spells, "L A D." Johnny replies, "Spell 'rot' in carrot." She spells, "R O T." Johnny says, "Now spell 'fuck' in vegetables or fruits." She says, "There is no 'fuck' in vegetables or fruits." Johnny exclaims, "That's what I've been trying to tell you!"

My dad went for the milk, but he left his wheelchair.

What store has the most vegetables?

A nursing home.

How do you get a discount off groceries?

Scan the emo kid's wrists.

10 years ago my dad went to get milk. He said when he got back, he was going to tell me a joke. That joke better be worth it!

What happens when an emo goes to the grocery store? The cashier scans their wrist too.

Why does an orphanage have milk?

Because Dad never came back with the milk.

I told my orphan girlfriend that I had to grab milk. (Goes to the store, grabs milk.) As I grab the milk, I thought, "Hey, I bet I can repeat her life twice."

My dad said he'd be back later after he walked out the door with a suitcase.

Who takes a suitcase to the grocery store? Silly daddy!

What do tomatoes 🍅 do when they meet?

They ketchup.

What's the difference between your dad and grocery shopping?

He didn't come back with the milk.

Why do orphans hate any milk?

Their dad did not come back for 10 years. Oh, sorry, he got lost in the store! 🤧