Texter 1: You know People treat me like a god.
Texter 2: How?
Texter 1: They ignore my existence unless they need something.
Me: *reading a sign* "Children are a gift from god."
Me: "No, they are a gift from the underworld."
Mother: "Yeah, I picked you up at the gift shop on my way out."
Mother: "You are a spawn of Satan."
First bite: Oh my God!
Second bite: Oh my, God!
Why do we call it dead bodies? Nobody says alive bodies! like you walk into your workplace, "OMFG ITS FULL OF BODIES! Alive ones tho." You wouldn't give birth and say, "Come on husband, help me with the bodies." If its a surprise party, you wouldn't say, "QUICK, HIDE THE BODIES!" And the person who the party was for wouldn't say "OH MY GOD WHY ARE THEY DEAD!"
One night, a father heard his daughter saying good night.
"Good night, Mom."
"Good night, Dad."
"Good night, Mamah."
"Good bye, Papa."
The next day her papa died.
He heard her saying them a month later.
"Good night, Mom."
"Good night, Dad."
"Good bye, Mamah."
The next day her mamah died.
Well, her dad was scared for his life. He knew he was next. Well, his daughter said them again.
"Good night, Mom."
"Good bye, Dad."
The next day, the mail man dropped dead on their porch.
Oh my god, she hit me with a bat,
'Cause she was transgender.
A drunk guy is showing friends his new apartment.
The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.
"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.
"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."
"How does it work?"
The guy picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, "For God's sake, you asshole, it's 3:30 in the god damn morning!"
All these African jokes aren't funny when you are a lover of Africa, how are there still Africans alive? Y'all are racist and may God forgive you. You know we're rich with natural resources, that's why y'all come to steal from us. Shame on you all!
What's a cow's favorite newspaper?
The Daily M0Os.
Oh my frickig god, cleared my history and forgot my password for this, 3th account!
Scratches on an icy road and kills 50 people on the bus, and when they get to Heaven, God feels so bad for them and grants them all one wish.
The first lady in the line was always worried about her looks, so she wished to be beautiful, and the guy behind her couldnβt think of what to wish about, so he also wished to be beautiful. This kept on going, but the guy at the end of the line started to laugh. When he got to God, God says, βWhat is your one wish, my son?β He said, βI wish you can make them all ugly again.β
Me playing a game........ what did God just stop our hearts cause didn't kill everybody
We have life. I hope we have life. We have God in Jesus Christ. This is a good thing. It is a song part.
God said the first person to kill Hitler goes to heaven.
Hitler: Kills himself.
God is fake
Why did Stephen Hawking not believe in God?
Computers donβt really have a specific religion.
My friend: You're so skinny, you never miss the elevator when it's closing. You just slip right through!π
Me thinking it's a gift from God: π΄οΈπ
What do you call a dog that's faced backwards?
A god.
I bet when your mom first saw you, she said, "Oh my god, this ain't my child. My child would look amazing."
What's the difference between my imaginary friend and God?
None.
They're both imaginary.
Me playing a game...
What did God just stop? Are hearts cause we didn't kill each other.
Like if that was good.
