Go jokes
Why can't an orphan go to McDonald's? There's no point in the words "happy meal."
Where do keyboards go to have dinner?
The space bar!!!
Where did Sarah go after the bombing?
Everywhere. đ
If you want to pick on someone, pick on orphans. Let them tell their parents.
Double!
Where did Sally go during the bombing? Everywhere!
Triple!
Why did Bob cross the road? Because he wasn't wearing his seatbelt.
We can't go under it...
We can't go over it...
We have to go through it!
Memes
I was going to watch the origami world championships before it folded.
But it was only on paper view.
Obama, Trump, and Clinton are on the Titanic. The ship hits the iceberg and is going down.
Obama: "This is terrible! We've got to do something -- save the women and children!"
Trump: "Screw the women and children!"
Clinton: "Do you think we have time...?"
Stephen Hawking is so lucky to go to heaven.
Oh never mind, here comes the stairway.
My friend group is pretty diverse. I'm Japanese, one friend is Filipino, one is American, one is Italian, and the last one is German.
Out of everyone in the friend group, the Filipino and the American were the quickest to feel uncomfortable when I asked, "Who wants to go on a march with me?"
Three blondes were taking a walk when they stumbled on some tracks. They argued on what the tracks came from. One of them said, "it's a deer." The other said, "No it's a coyote." The last one was going to give her thoughts, but that was when the train hit them.
Why are Trump's ties so long?
Because they go all the way to Russia.
A guy is bankrupt, so he gives his son a duck and tells him to go sell it for as much as he can. So the kid goes on the street to sell the duck. A prostitute walks by and says, "I'll f--ck you for $10." The boy says, "I would, but I don't have any money." She says, "Ok, I'll take the duck instead." He says, "Ok," so they go upstairs and f--ck. The prostitute says, "That's the best sex I've ever had. I'll give you the duck back, and we can do it again." So they do, and he gets the duck back. But when they go downstairs, the duck gets hit by a car. And the guy that hit the duck feels so bad that he gives the kid $25. So when he gets home, his father asks him why he looks so tired. The boy says, "Well, I got a f--ck for a duck, a duck for a f--ck, and $25 for a f--cked up f--ck."
Don't you just want to go on a mass murder while listening to goodbye Moonman? Oh, just me... OK.
Go commit Thanos finger snap.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to go and have some fun.
Silly Jill forgot the pill, and now they have a son.
I was going to tell a joke about babies, but I decided to abort.
So, an Irish man is walking his poodle, and his buddy comes running up to him saying thereâs a new pub in town and theyâre giving out free pints.
So the man picks up his dog and runs like hell to the bar. But the bar owner stops him and says, "Sorry, you canât go in." The Irish man says, "Why canât I go in?" "Well, you have a dog, sir, and that sign over there says no dogs allowed. Youâre going to have to leave him outside." Well, the Irish man thinks quick and says, "Iâm blind; itâs a seeing eye dog." The owner says, "Thatâs ridiculous. A seeing eye dog would be a German shepherd or golden Labrador or something like that." The Irish man says, "Well, what kind of dog did they give me??"đ
Why do people keep on making jokes about the twin towers?
Because they go down so well.
My wife wanted a present that could go from zero to 80 very quickly.
So I got her a new set of bathroom scales.
Little Johnny is in class one day, and little Timmy starts laughing. The teacher says, "What's so funny?" He said, "I can see your bra strap." The teacher says, "Don't come back to class for a week," so he gets up and walks out. A few minutes later, little Billy starts laughing, and she asks, "What's funny now?" Little Billy said, "I can see both of your bra straps." The teacher says, "Get out of my classroom for a month." So little Billy got pissed, he walked out and slammed the door. This scared the teacher, and she dropped the chalk. She picked it up, then she stood back up, and she sees little Johnny walking out of the classroom. She asked, "Where do you think you're going?" He said, "Well, teach, after what I saw, I'm done with school for a lifetime."