Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?
Because the "p" is silent.
If Stephen Hawking had a heart attack, would he go to hospital or Curry's PC World?
Knock knock.
Who is there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No, cows go moooooooooooo, not whooooooooooooooooooooo!
One day a boy asks his grandfather for some money, and the grandpa says, “Well, can your dick touch your asshole?” To which the boy replied, “No.” So the grandpa says, “Okay,” and leaves it at that and walks off.
A few years later, the boy asks his grandfather for some money again, and his grandfather once again asks, “Can your dick touch your asshole?” To which the boy proudly says, “Yes, it can.” To which the grandpa says, “Good, now go fuck yourself.”
Trystan Leonard is going out with Katelynn O'Toole.
What is more time-consuming than children?
Waiting for your wife to go into labor!
A woman noticed her husband standing on a bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. "Ha! That's not going to help!" she said. "Sure it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."
Why did he go to hell? Because he couldn't use the stairs to Heaven.
I'm really worried for Stephen Hawking, 'cause how is he going to climb the stairway to Heaven?
Why can’t Stephen Hawking go to Heaven?
Because there wasn’t a ramp.
There was a Mexican magician. He was going to disappear on the count of three.
1-2-..... and he left without a trace.
Why did Steven Hawkings go to hell? Because he couldn’t go up the stairs to heaven
If laughter is the best medicine, shouldn't we go up to disabled people and laugh at them?
Where do Dairy Queen and Burger King go after dinner?
White Castle.
I'm taking a guitar lesson at school. My band instructor told me he was going to hit me with my guitar. I asked him if that was a fret.
Where did Stephen Hawking go when he wanted to get drunk? The Genius Bar.
In about ten days, Stephen Hawking's wheelchair is going to have its first and last service.
Three Europeans come to America. They are all captured by Native Americans, who want to kill them. But the Europeans beg to have their lives spared. The Native Americans agree not to kill them on one condition: the Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it.
So the first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass and he laughs, and the Native Americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs, and the Native American kills him.
They both see each other in heaven, and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach, and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed, but you had a grape, what happened?" The second guy says, “Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a BANANA!!"
A pedophile lures a group of Houston Girl Scouts with "Hey girls, would you like some candy?" They all agree and follow him to his neighborhood. There he offers them some more candy and they follow him to his house. Once again he offers them candy to go in to his house. In the lounge he offers them candy to go to his room. As he leads them up the stairs one of them pipes up and says "God, I hope we get laid before we get diabetes."
A guy is at home and he's about to go get a physical at the doctor's office. When he gets there, the doctor says, "Brian, you're going to have to stop masturbating." He asked the doc why? The doc said, "So I can examine you!"
