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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."

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    • A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of childbirth to the father. He asks if it is okay to use the new device. The couple agrees, and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.

    Teacher: "People with depression never get anywhere in life."

    Student 1: "My mom has depression, but she died."

    Student 2: "My sister has depression and she's going to therapy."

    Student 3: "My dad has depression, and he's doing REALLY well."

    What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? Slap it on the arse and tell it to keep going!

    Guy: Say "I'm a man" every time I stop.

    Person:

    Guy: You walk into a bar.

    Person: I'm a man.

    Guy: You meet a girl.

    Person: I'm a man.

    Guy: You and the girl go to a hotel.

    Person: I'm a man.

    Guy: You guys go on a bed.

    Person: I'm a man.

    Guy: She whispers into your ear...

    Person: I'm a man!

    Some moving men had just begun their day's work.

    The first thing they brought into the house was a huge couch.

    The owner came in and asked how everything was going. They replied, "Sofa so good."

    John Cabot was the first to explore the Coast of Labrador. After he left, he realized that he had forgotten something and had to go back to get whatever it was. This made him the first Labrador Retriever.

    If you're ever bored, kick an orphan. What are they going to do, tell their parents?

    Woman one: "I got so mad at my GPS today that I told it to go to hell!"

    Woman two: "Did that work?"

    Woman one: "Well, it took me to my in-laws’ house."

    I once was sitting outside and watched the birds go by. I checked my watch and said, "My, how time is FLYING by!"

    A rich man paid for a trip to space, but he couldn't go because the rocket was damaged. He received a refund and an apology.

    One day, someone goes out into the forest to go hunting, and finds out there are a few others in the forest. He comes back the next day to learn he is the only person there.

    Where are the others?

    They're in his freezer.

    A man asked another man if he was happy with his marriage. He replied, "Yes, I'm very happy. We go on date night every week." The other man asked, "When?" He goes on Wednesday and I go on Thursday.

    So, my best friend's boyfriend broke up with her, and she started to cry.

    So I told her a "single" joke, then she said, "Go and fucking die, you insensitive bitch!"

    I later said, "Ugh, fine, as your BFF, I will break his body for you—happy now?"

    She said, "*sniff* yes."