New Girlfriend Jokes - Page 16

So, a man was on a ledge ready to kill himself because he got laid off at work and his girlfriend cheated on him. He was about to jump until he saw from a mountainside a little guy with no arms dancing around. So he thought, "Maybe my life ain't so bad." So he went to the mountainside. "Thank you," he said, "I was gonna jump off a bridge and kill myself until I saw you dancing, even though you have no arms. Dancing?" the armless man said bitterly, "My asshole itches and I can't scratch it."

I have a problem. My dad and my girlfriend have the same birthday. So, one took my virginity, and the other is my girlfriend.

911 what's your emergency?

Me: Officer, my girlfriend is dead!

Operator: What happened!?

Me: She bit the tip.

What is you main food?

Me: Pizza cause I'm cheesy.

Friend: Chocolate chips cause I have a lot of friends.

Girlfriend: Donut cause I have a lot of cream.

I showed my girlfriend my shotgun yesterday. It really blew her away.

What is the difference between your girlfriend and a walrus?

One is hairy and smells like fish, and the other is a walrus. You're welcome.

Kenny is living with his girlfriend now.

He just moved back in with his mom.

When you accidentally choke your girlfriend to death and then realize that it's your sister so who gives a f**k?

When you are f***ing your girlfriend and then she tells you that you f**k like your guys' dad.

Then you f**k your mom and she says the same thing.

I decided to visit Saudi Arabia with my girlfriend.

She and I learned they celebrate Pride month by throwing stones.

Most states:

"It's ok, it won't be awkward. We're still friends."

Alabama:

"She didn't wanna be my girlfriend anymore. But she said she'll still be my sister."

Girlfriend: I just lost 5 pounds!

Me: How many makeup wipes did you need?

What does your girl do to me? She sucks me off.

I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to join my family tree... She dropped the rope and ran.

How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?

When your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.

I was in a toxic relationship. After some time, my girlfriend died. Her name was Happy. Still got no clue of her body, and here I am lying on the bed so fucking happy.

I was going to an expensive dinner with my friend's girlfriend because she really wanted to go, but he just got out of surgery, and he said take care of her, so I said, "Will do, bro. I’ll bring her back fuller than a topped-up water bottle."