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Thing 1: What's the difference between nuts and almonds?

Thing 2: I don't know, what?

Thing 1: One gets hard faster.

How do skeletons get COVID?

From the coffin!

Why did the dog cross the road?

To get to his owner.

This mute kid was getting made fun of. I told him to speak up for himself.

What disease do you get from eating fish?

Salmonella!

What’s the difference in an apple and an orphan?

One actually gets picked.

I bought my son a wheelchair for his birthday—turns out he couldn’t get in it.

How do you get an orphan's hands to bleed?

Tell him to clap until his parents come home!

Why do orphans like fucking other dads?

Because they get to have a daddy.

A husband and wife get into a fight. The wife says, "Go blow off some steam. I’ll let you fuck a hooker." So he does that, comes back, and says, "I’m off the hook now!"

This ole boy picked up this hooker and was getting some head driving down the road, and she started gagging on it a little, and he said, "Oh yeah baby, you like that big dick, don't ya?" and she said, "Oh baby, it's not that, ya asshole stinks!"

Why can an orphan only get an iPhone X?

Because there is no home button.

You ever get the feeling when your parents are cheating on you? I do.

Why did I cross the road to might get hit by a car or a bus?

What's the difference between an apple and an orphan?

An apple gets picked.

Want to hear a dad joke? Look in the mirror. You get the joke.

What did the fork say to the cake when he said, "I hope you get eaten?"

Fork off!

What's the difference between an apple and an orphan?

Apples get picked.

Q: Why didn't the Oak tree win the election?

A: He didn't get the votes he was oaking for, because he was not the popular vote.

Why didn't the teddy bear go to the gym?

Because he didn't want to get ripped.