I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy!
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Teacher: "Do you guys want to get in trouble?"
Kid named Teacher: *
I asked the emo girl if she gets jealous when her phone dies.
Weed: *gets hit by his own power*
Cop: Wait, shouldn’t you be resistant to your own element?
Weed: Are you resistant to bullets when you shoot a gun?
Yo mama is so ugly that Kanye West went East to get away from her.
Your hairline is like a lollipop because every time someone licks it, it gets shorter.
Why did the kidnapper cross the road?
To get the kids at the playground.
How did the orphan lose its parents?
Its parents never came back from getting milk.
There was a fish looking for a great meal. He looks above him and sees a fly. He thought, "If that fly drops six inches, I would have a meal." Long story short, a pussy gets wet.
Random guy: Come on, Bin Laden, time is ticking. Get it, ticking. OK, I'll leave.
Why did the scarecrow get an award? He was outstanding in his field. Okay, I'll admit it's corny.
I like men like I like money, always getting lost under my bed.
Why do cantaloupes always get married in the church?
'Cause they can't elope.
Why do golfers always bring a spare pair of pants?
Because they always get a hole in one!
What Happens When You Get Caught On Fire?
— You Lost To Slmebody When You Were Playing Hide And Seek, And The Place Where You Got Caught Was Exactly On A Patch Of Fire.
Why was the pregnant cow mad all the time? It wasn’t in for the moo-d.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know.
To get to the idiot house.
Knock, knock. Who's there?
The chicken.
I would have told you about a chemistry joke, but I wouldn't get a reaction.
What happens if you sit under a cow?
You get a pat on the head.
How did Stephen Hawking get up the stairway to heaven?
Hint: he didn’t.
