Get jokes
What kind of shirts does Sally's parents get her?
Long sleeves.
Why did the football coach go to the bank?
To get his quarterback!
Bro sat down too close for comfort. I told him to move or he would get hurt.
Come on, how hard could it possibly be To move a few inches? You’re touching my D.
A guy really needs his personal space. Disobey and I’ll shove it in your face.
Your mama is so ugly! It took your dad 15 years to return from getting milk.
What's a bonus of being an orphan?
You can't get homework.
What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cube have in common?
The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Why?
To get to the gay kid's house.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the idiot's house!
Knock knock?
Who's there?
The chicken.
The chicken who?
The idiot chicken who just crossed the road!!!
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the knucklehead's house...
Knock knock. Who's there? The chicken.
A man is on his death sentence, and he gets to choose his last meal.
He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life. They never found a working machine.
I was at work and then a little kid came up to me and she said, "What happened to all the parents?" She sounded so confused, so I told her, "It's only yours, kid, they left you on purpose." She cried. I felt bad for a second and thought, oh well, time to get back to my job at the orphanage.
When a Muslim dies, he gets 72 virgins.
It's the same thing with priests, except the virgins are children.
Once a man goes to a restaurant. Then, he was waiting until the waitress comes and tells him that they don't have food.
He was grumpy, but the waitress make him relaxing by unbuttoning her pants and undressing her panties and uncovering clothes from her pussy until everything get striped, then she say to him: "Good meal."
Daughter: So, I got my period.
Mom: That's wonderful, dear! Now you can bleed for a whole week a month without dying!
Daughter: That's nice, Mum, but isn't the whole point of getting your period dying?
Mom: Yes, but you have to kill yourself a little longer to live through to another day.
Daughter: Thanks, Mum. That makes a whole lot of sense. (Sarcastically.)
Mom: You're welcome, honey. (Clueless, obviously.)
A man walks into a bar. He sees a family court judge, his wife, her lawyer, and a police officer. He gets on his hands and knees and prays to God out loud. The bartender says, "Why are you praying?" He says, "Because I just saw the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse, and the bible tells me when I see them the end is at hand."
What did the skeleton get when he saw goth girls?......A boner.
What gets long when you put it, slides into holes, and likes to squeeze between boobs?
A seatbelt.
What's the #1 rule of kidnapping prevention?
Don't get carried away!
Me: “You guys wanna know a cool fact?”
Friend 1: “Yeah.”
Friend 2: “Yea.”
Me: “Japan is RIGHT that way. If we swim all night...we’ll be able to get to Japan.”
Friend 3: “I love anime.”
Friend 1 & 2: “Nononononononononono!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Me: *Laughs at Friend 3*
What is the difference between an apple and an orphan?
The apple gets picked.