Get jokes
"I will kill you with knife and gun, get ready, Explain Bear, stupid f***."
If this post gets 200 likes or comments, I will show up in a MrBeast video.
When Canadians get hurt, they don't go "ouch," they go "ooch!"
How do you kill a spider?
Just get an autistic person.
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds.
An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to his home town. On a hunch, he checked the town's cantina, and sure enough, there was the robber. The only other people in the bar were the bartender and a scrawny, older man at a back table. The time was right to make a move. The ranger drew his revolver, charged into the cantina, and announced: "You are under arrest. I get a reward for you, dead or alive. Tell me where the money is, and I'll let you live. If you don't, I'll shoot you right here, and save myself the trouble of having to take you back to Texas alive."
But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. As it turned out, the scrawny man at the back of the bar happened to be a lawyer. He knew the robber, and was bilingual, and quickly offered to translate for the two of them. The ranger said: "Tell him that if he doesn't tell me where the loot is, I'll shoot him here and now." Upon hearing what the Ranger had said, and seeing the cold look in his eye, the bandit knew that the Ranger meant it - if he did not give up his loot, he was a dead man. Terrified, the bandit blurted out in Spanish that the loot was buried in an old barn at the outskirts of town. "What did he say?" asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered: "He said, 'You don't have the nerve to shoot me, Yankee swine.'"
This is whats going to happen to all the junior high girls on here.
Police officers hope you’re a criminal.
Doctors hope you get sick.
Mechanics hope you get car troubles.
But only thieves wish you prosperity.
Weird?
My life is a lot like a game of Black Jack.
I always hit on 16, then get busted.
What starts with the letter M, ends with -arriage and is a man's favorite thing? Miscarriage. That joke never gets old, just like the baby.
What's the difference between an orphan and an orange?
One gets picked.
My mom said, "Take out the trash," and I said, "Okay." The next day she asked, "Where is your sister?" and I said, "In line to get crushed."
An orphan walks into a supermarket, gets lost and calls for his mum, then remembers.
My dad went to get milk from Tesco’s.
He never came back.
Dark humor is like sex. Not everyone gets it.
What number is better than 69?
88 'cause you get ate twice.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get ran over by a truck.
Where did Stephen Hawking go when he wanted to get drunk? The Genius Bar.
What’s the difference between an apple and an orphan?
The apple gets picked.
My dad just found out and told my mom about one of their friends, Chad, who just murdered his wife, Claire. After doing that, he turned the gun on himself and committed suicide right after.
My mom's reply: "Jesus, Chad will do anything to get out of cleaning his mess, won't he?"
My girlfriend asked me to write her a poem for Valentines Day:
Roses are red, Watches are gold. Get on your knees, And do as you're told.
Why did the koala climb the tree?
To get to the other branch. :)
He made it, don't worry!