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Why is my dick like a balloon?

The more you blow it, the bigger it gets.

Hot shingles in your neighborhood wanting to get nailed.

Why do orphans love getting r@ped?

Because they want to know what love feels like.

There were four men eating dinner on the Titanic when it hit the iceberg.

The waiter said, "We have to get to the lifeboats!"

The teacher said, "What about the kids?"

The lawyer said, "Fuck the kids."

The priest said, "Do you think we'll have time?"

Why does everyone get offended at female firefighters?

Like seriously, if your house is on fire and burning, you wouldn't really care if the person saving you had a low IQ, right?

Boobs are like friends: you have big ones, small ones, real ones, fake ones, but they all get taken out by cancer.

Why did the football player go to the bank?

To get his quarter back.

What’s the difference between rape and marriage?

With marriage, you get to keep the screaming woman.

Q: Why are gay people never late for their flight?

A: They get their shit packed the night before.

How do you get a clown off your swing?

You shoot it.

A woman brought her hamster to the vet. The vet takes a look and concludes the hamster died.

The woman doesn't believe it and requests further investigation. So the vet lets in a Labrador. The dog sniffs around the hamster and shortly after he produces a sad whine, shakes his head and leaves the room with his tail low.

The woman, still not convinced, demands more examinations. The vet gets one of his cats. It walks around the hamster and pets it. After some time it shakes her head and runs off quickly.

"Fine, I believe you now," the woman says, "my beloved hamster is dead." "I'm sorry for your loss," the vet replies. "Your bill for this visit will be 1505 dollars," says the vet. "What? 1505 dollars just to tell me my hamster is dead?" The woman says shocked.

The vet replies: "No, 5 dollars to tell your hamster died, 500 dollars for the lab report and 1000 dollars for the CAT scan."

Why does the Sun go to school?

To get brighter!

So I was sitting at a bar, right? That fucking waitress came again, and guess what? She brought the wrong drinks again. So I send her away to get the correct drinks. And she came back again, with the wrong drinks!! Obviously, she was retarded. Anyways that's the story about how I met your mother.

What does a kid with cancer and dark humor have in common? They never get old.

What do you get when you put a baby in a box filled with glass and nails and push it down the stairs?

... A boner.

Dark humor jokes are like kids with cancer.

They never get old.

How do you get chewing gum out of a child's hair? Cancer.

This joke does not work in print, you have to speak it to someone.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Helen Keller.

Helen Keller who?

(Don't say anything).

Helen Keller who?

...you will get a laugh...ty.

What did the boy with no arms and no legs get for Christmas?

Cancer.

Three men were in a desert. One man was holding a jug, the 2nd was holding a paper bag, and the last was holding a car door. A man came around and asked the 1st why he had a jug. He said it was his water and if he got thirsty, he would take a drink.

Then he asked the second why do you have a paper bag? The guy said this is my packed lunch, so if I get hungry, I will eat my lunch.

Then he asked the last man why he has a car door and he said if he got hot he would roll down the window.