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A cop saw an old lady carrying two sacks. He asked the lady what she was doing. She opened one bag and shows a bunch of cash.
"How did you get all this?" asked the cop.
"Well, I live behind a golf course, and my backyard has many holes in its fence. Since there are no bathrooms nearby, the golfers stick their dicks through the holes and piss onto my hard, and that keeps killing my flowers. So, I grabbed my hedge clippers, and when they stick it through, I grab their dick and yell, '10 bucks right now or it comes clean off!' After that, nobody pees in my yard ever again."
The cop responded with, "Dang. But what about the other bag?"
She said, "Not everybody paid."
Why do orphans like to play tennis?
Because that’s the only love they will get.
How to get into politics?
Fail art school.
Yo momma is so stupid, she saw an anime and started eating a live rabbit, and thought she would get powers!
My wheelchair-bound friend was getting bullied, so I told him to stand up for himself.
Q: What's the difference between rape and marriage?
A: With marriage, you get to keep the screaming woman afterwards.
Q: What do blind kids and orphans have in common?
A: Neither of them get to see their parents.
A man comes home, and the wife says, "My ex just died by getting hit by a bus." And the husband said, "I lost my job as a bus driver."
Are you getting tired of life? Yes? Then call 180 go fuck yourself.
It's not our problem.com That's 180 go fuck yourself it's not our problem.com
Took my receipt to the sperm bank so I can get this comeback.
This guy comes knocking on the door in hell and speaks to God. "Please let me out, it is too cold in here!"
God is all confused. "There is a big fire in there!" The guy answers, "Yes, there is, but you cannot get near it. All the bishops, cardinals, and priests are sitting around it."
Yo mama is so fat that when she walks, she causes earthquakes. She is so big that she has her own zip code and gravity field. She is so heavy that she needs a crane to get out of bed. She is so obese that she can't fit in any clothes, except for a circus tent. She is so large that she blocks the sun and causes eclipses.
An orphan can’t ever play Grand Theft Auto V because he can’t get a wanted level.
What’s one thing that an orphan can never get in poker?
A full house.
What's common in vampires and American kids?
They both don't get old.
What do you call a pregnant slave?
Buy 1 get 1 free.
Why can't orphans play baseball?
Because they can't get a home run.
Q: What did the late cannibal get when he got to the party?
A: A cold shoulder.
[Them]: "Don't you think you'll feel ashamed of all the suicide jokes you've made when you get older?"
[Me]: "When I what?" 0-0
I've realized that suicide would solve all my problems... if I could just get the right people to try it.