What's the difference between Bird flu and swine flu?
For one you get tweetment, for the other you get oinkment.
Where did Milky Way get its degree?
At the university.
When do you know you are getting a good deal on a boat? -- When there's a sail on it.
How do trees get online? -- They just log in.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens?
All they said was, "Bach, Bach, Bach..."
How do Mexicans feel about Trump's wall? -- They'll get over it.
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with pasta. -- I'm doing well, but I do get cannelloni.
I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman. It's very rewarding, but quite challenging.
Took me ages to get her husband's voice right.
What is the difference between American teenage girls and Muslim teenage girls? -- American teenage girls get stoned *before* they have sex.
I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.
How's Donald Trump going to get rid of all the Mexicans? -- Juan by Juan.
I was sitting next to this really hot Thai girl on the bus, and all I could think to myself was, "Don't get an erection, don't get an erection..." But she did.
What do prime numbers and stoners have in common? The higher they are, the more spaced out they get.
What does a turtle and a pedophile have in common? They both want to get there before the hare does.
My town's population never changes. Every time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.
Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
How do you get a nun pregnant? -- Dress her up as an alter boy.
A programmer and his wife.
She says, "We're out of bread. Please go to the grocery store and buy one. And if they've got eggs, get six."
After a while, he's back with six loaves of bread.
The wife asks, "Why did you buy 6 loaves of bread?"
He replies, "They had eggs."
How do you get chewing gum out of your hair?
Cancer.
What do women, tornadoes, and hurricanes have in common? They all get the house.
