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What's the difference between an apple and an orphan?
The apple always gets picked!
What’s Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination? HAAAAND EEEEEEEEEYYYYEEE!
What’s better than Ted Danson? Ted singing and Danson!
What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business!
What does a baby computer call his father? Data!
What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!
Why did the golfer change his pants? Because he got a hole in one!
Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy!
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
I bought a ceiling fan the other day. Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying “Ooh, I love how smooth it is.”
What's the difference between an orphan and cotton?
One gets picked.
A depressed guy walks into a bar and says, "Can I get shot?"
The bartender then says, "You mean, can you get a shot, right?"
The bartender then says, "Well... what drink would you like?"
The depressed guy then responds with, "No, I really want to get shot."
Q: What does a dead prostitute and a swimming pool have in common?
A: They're both cold when you first get in, but warm up after a few strokes.
What’s the difference between an orphan and an apple?
One gets picked.
What's the difference between an apple and an orphan?
One gets picked.
What do orphans and olden day actors have in common?
Both get food thrown at them some of the time.
Have you heard about the baby with cancer? It never gets old.
Everyone at the Queen's funeral:
Me and the boys getting her reboot card.
A priest sees a man about to commit suicide. The man says, "I have nothing to live for here. I will die, go to Heaven, and get 72 virgins." Then the priest says, "No need for this. I will take you to the local elementary school."
I was visiting an orphanage and started to pull in close to the building. My car hit 3 speed bumps, and it caught me off guard. I got out of my car, looked under my tire, and saw three orphans wedged in my tire. I started to get worried, but then I thought to myself... nobody will miss them.
I am the worst joke ever. Get it? My whole life is a joke.
A guy was in one of the Twin Towers and he ordered pepperoni pizza, but he didn't get it. He got a plane instead.
What's better: nailing Jesus or getting nailed?
Depends on who's sucking.
Why did Michael Jackson cross the road?
To get to the opera.
When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 and 976 numbers, he doesn't get charged. He holds up the phone, and money falls out.
You wanna hear a joke?
Two Emos hanging out under a tree.
How many Emos does it take to commit suicide? Way too fucking many, because they never get it right the first time!
Why can't weapons play baseball?
Because they need to get to home base.
Dad: We are giving your toys to the orphanage.
Kid: Why?
Dad: So you won't get bored.