Funeral jokes
Three construction workers were sitting on the bridge that they were building, having their lunch break. The first guy says, "If I get a Vegemite sandwich again, I am going to jump off this bridge." The second guy says, "If I get a peanut butter sandwich again, I am going to jump off this bridge." The third guy says, "If I get another strawberry jam sandwich, then I am going to jump off this bridge." The next day, the first guy gets a Vegemite sandwich, the second guy gets a peanut butter sandwich, and the third guy gets a strawberry jam sandwich. All three guys jump off the bridge and die. The next day at their funerals, the first wife says, "If he just told me, I would have given him a different sandwich." The second guy's wife says, "It is all my fault. If only I knew." The third wife says, "I don't get it, he makes his own lunch."
My dad always wanted one last smoke before his death, so we smoked his ashes.
So I went to my friend's funeral today. As we were all leaving, a kid put a "get well soon" card next to my friend's grave. 'Poor kid'.
My girlfriend passed away recently.
At the funeral, everyone was shocked about it.
Still, even when dead, she is the best shag I've ever known.
I was always poked and told at weddings your next...
So I went to funerals and poked them and said your next.....
What did Cermet the frog say at Jim Henson's funeral?
Nothing...
At the funeral of a family friend, I was chatting to June, an elderly lady I hadn’t seen since I was a teenager. I was thrilled when she told me what a beautiful young woman I’d become.
On the journey home, I remarked to my mother how lovely it had been to see June again.
“Yes, it’s such a shame that she’s gone blind,” she said sadly.
If you die a virgin, then where does your v-card go? Does it go with you to the grave, or does your mortician take it from you?
When I die, I want to be shot out of a cannon.
And into a children's birthday party.
When earthquakes hit, coffins become maracas underground.
The undertaker's famous saying is "Rest In Peace" to all of his opponents, but really they don't rest in peace. The only peace they get is from God.
"I hate going to weddings, because the old lady next to you always whispers in your ear, 'You're next.' So I started doing the same to them at funerals, 'You're next.'"
What is the best thing about being buried alive or burning to death?
No funeral costs.
"I’m sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing.
Except at a funeral.
What can you say both at a funeral and during sex?
This would be much better if you were alive.
A 6-year-old girl decides to get baptized. She walks into the water of the river. Unfortunately, the pastor was drunk. The pastor put her in the water and dunked her under. The drunken man then forgot to bring her up from the water. The poor girl drowned and died...
Later on, when the pastor was better and thrown in jail, all he had to say to the mortified family was, “Well, at least she’s in heaven!”
How many people do you think are in a graveyard? Hopefully none.
Went to my friend's house, fucked his sister.
I had a fun funeral / birthday.
My departed uncle was a circus clown before he died.
So all his friends came in one car.
My friend died from an allergic reaction. He gave me an EpiPen while he was dying, so now I have something to remember him from.