My dad told me a story today. His mom, my grandma, said if a bird gets in your house, someone will die.
That day, a hummingbird got in his UPS truck, and that’s the day he found out that my grandma had cancer. 😭😭😭😭😭 6 weeks later, she died. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
When you're at a funeral and you laugh at the body... everyone stares, and one person said, "Isn't that your mom...?"
"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.
I was making sandcastles with my Nan, then my mum came in the room and took away the urn.
Grandpa's last words: "Why do you have a chainsaw?"
When a military person dies, we shoot all night. When a drunkard dies, we drink all night. When a Christian dies, we pray all night. What if a prostitute dies? What should we do? Please tell me.
What’s one thing you can say at a funeral and during sex?
She was too young.
Sad to think about legend O.G. Mudbone being no longer with us.
I’m only curious how they closed his casket.
Ah yes, cremation. My last chance of having a smokin' hot body.
I was at a funeral for some kids in a school shooting. I don’t understand why everyone was so sad, so I asked a lady, "what’s so sad?" and she said, "What do you think was running through these kid’s head before they died?" I replied, "probably a bullet." She gasped and said, "do you have any idea how insensitive that is? What do you think is running through their parent’s heads?" I said "probably all the money they're losing from this funeral."
Haha, dead.
Why can't orphans have a funeral? Because their parents won't be there.
They asked me to speak at this funeral, and I said, "Of corpse!"
Setting: Funeral Home
Customer: Yes, I was considering what would be the best option for cheap cremation, but I feel that's silly to ask.
Funeral Director: Oh! We do have these nice urns over here at a discounted 75 percent off.
Customer: Okay? What's the catch? That's almost 300 dollars off?
Funeral Director: I assure you these are top-of-the-line urns and will keep your loved ones' remains secure and dry.
Customer: Okay?
Funeral Director: Yep, these have only been used once, so it is absolutely worth the purchase.
By: MiniMemorials.com
After I am dead during my funeral service, I want someone to play my favorite song by Boy George and Culture Club, "Church of the Poison Mind."
Knock, knock.
"Who's there?"
Not your dad.
Teacher: We have a new student today class, come introduce yourself.
Student: My name is Buttitches.
Teacher: Please tell us your real name.
Student: Buttitches.
Teacher: I’m calling the police.
Police: Son, please tell me your real name or I’m going to shoot you.
Student: Buttitches.
Police: *shoots gun.*
A few days later, the police go to the funeral and sits behind the mom. While crying, the mom says, "My Buttitches!" The police say, "We’ll scratch it, lady."
What does a necrophiliac get at a wedding?
Mourning wood.
What kind of coffee do they serve at funerals?
Burial grounds.
When you say to your friend, "I've got your back," then at his funeral you see in his coffin he's missing his middle piece.
