Funeral jokes
What does a necrophiliac get at a wedding?
Mourning wood.
What kind of coffee do they serve at funerals?
Burial grounds.
When you say to your friend, "I've got your back," then at his funeral you see in his coffin he's missing his middle piece.
Why was there a box in a church? Because there was a funeral.
A guy wins a free ticket to the Super Bowl and so he’s very excited.
However, he’s not so excited when he gets there and realizes his seat’s in the back of the stadium.
So he looks around him for a better seat, and to his surprise he finds an empty seat right next to the field.
He approaches the older guy who’s sitting in the seat next to the empty one and asks if the seat is taken.
The man replies, “No.”
The young guy is very surprised to hear this and asks, “How could someone pass up a seat like this?”
The older guy replies, “It’s my wife’s seat. We’ve been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she’s passed away.”
“Oh, how sad,” the young guy says, taken aback. “I’m sorry to hear that, but couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you?”
“No,” the man replies, “They’re all at the funeral.”
He’s not dead, just his storage unit.
*At A Funeral For Someone Who Jumped Off A Building* Victim's Mom: "I wonder what was the last thing that went through his head..."
Me: "Honestly... Probably his ass."
Grandma told me that when she passed away she wants to be a tree, and so she could live forever.
But I'm not gonna lie, it was a nice toasty fire...
Monkey Man's mortuary, you stab 'em, we slab 'em.
At every funeral, it's a try-not-to-say-"big mood"-challenge for me.
Why didn't the skeleton go to prom?
He was dead. You fool. You fell for my trick. I'm very heartless.
Oh wait.
You fool!
How many orphans does it take to "test drive" a bus? It depends on how much space the orphanage has and how much space the cemetery has.
Where did Sally go after the gunshot?
6 feet under.
*That is how deep they put the coffin...*
What's white as snow within 15-25 mins after death and then black and blue and red all over?
A corpse, of course!
Pass around the roses, their casket full of hoses, crash it, watch it, the water! OH SHIT IT'S GONNA BLOW!
There's something special about cemeteries.
People are dying to get inside.
What's a zig zag and made of wood?
Stephen's coffin.
I saw a petition on replacing gravestones with trees so it will be a beautiful forest.
Son: Where's grandma?
I could never forget my grandfather's last words. "Stop shaking the ladd-"
My uncle got really badly burned the other day.
They don't fuck around at the crematorium.