*At A Funeral For Someone Who Jumped Off A Building* Victim's Mom: "I wonder what was the last thing that went through his head..."
Me: "Honestly... Probably his ass."
Grandma told me that when she passed away she wants to be a tree, and so she could live forever.
But I'm not gonna lie, it was a nice toasty fire...
Monkey Man's mortuary, you stab 'em, we slab 'em.
At every funeral, it's a try-not-to-say-"big mood"-challenge for me.
Why didn't the skeleton go to prom?
He was dead. You fool. You fell for my trick. I'm very heartless.
Oh wait.
You fool!
How many orphans does it take to "test drive" a bus? It depends on how much space the orphanage has and how much space the cemetery has.
Where did Sally go after the gunshot?
6 feet under.
*That is how deep they put the coffin...*
What's white as snow within 15-25 mins after death and then black and blue and red all over?
A corpse, of course!
Pass around the roses, their casket full of hoses, crash it, watch it, the water! OH SHIT IT'S GONNA BLOW!
Theres something special about cemeteries People are dying to get inside
I saw a petition on replacing gravestones with trees so it will be a beautiful forest.
Son: Where's grandma?
I could never forget my grandfather's last words. "Stop shaking the ladd-"
My uncle got really badly burned the other day.
They don't fuck around at the crematorium.
Place a man in a morgue, he'll try to leave.
Place a doctor in a morgue, he'll go to work.
Place a necrophiliac in a morgue, he'll stay happy for a week.
Three construction workers were sitting on the bridge that they were building, having their lunch break. The first guy says, "If I get a Vegemite sandwich again, I am going to jump off this bridge." The second guy says, "If I get a peanut butter sandwich again, I am going to jump off this bridge." The third guy says, "If I get another strawberry jam sandwich, then I am going to jump off this bridge." The next day, the first guy gets a Vegemite sandwich, the second guy gets a peanut butter sandwich, and the third guy gets a strawberry jam sandwich. All three guys jump off the bridge and die. The next day at their funerals, the first wife says, "If he just told me, I would have given him a different sandwich." The second guy's wife says, "It is all my fault. If only I knew." The third wife says, "I don't get it, he makes his own lunch."
My dad always wanted one last smoke before his death, so we smoked his ashes.
So I went to my friend's funeral today. As we were all leaving, a kid put a "get well soon" card next to my friend's grave. 'Poor kid'.
My girlfriend passed away recently.
At the funeral, everyone was shocked about it.
Still, even when dead, she is the best shag I've ever known.
I was always poked and told at weddings your next...
So I went to funerals and poked them and said your next.....
What did Cermet the frog say at Jim Henson's funeral?
Nothing...
