Friends jokes

I gave my blind friend a cheese grater for Christmas.

He said it was the most violent book he ever read.

My friend: You ever feel like life is pointless? *drives faster*

Me: Yea-

My friend: If you could die with one person, who would it be? *speeds up more*

Me: H-hey, you should slow down! Slow down, slow down! We're about to-

Why did the deer cross the road? Its friend deered it to!

Me: Good night, everyone.

My friends and family: Night.

Me: *gets in coffin*

My family: *stares at my friends* You aren't going to do something?!?

My friends: *to my family* Nope, this is normal.

Your hairline is so far back it was friends with the dinosaurs!

Get a calculator.

Okay, anyways, Sally has 69 bottles of boobs (because she is a cannibal that collects boobs) and her friend said it was 222 many. She got caught by the police and was taken to 51st Street. She got arrested for x8 days, so she was BOOBLESS.

I got so drunk with the guys yesterday that when the Uber driver asked how many drinks I had, I said, "Yes."

You need to eat makeup on the inside because, friend, you're so ugly and you're not even pretty on the outside.

I had a good time with friends!

What do you call it when everyone of your friends makes too many dumb Covid jokes? A pundemic.

So, a man finds a woman on a train track while he's on his way to a bar, and they had a lot of sex.

When he gets to the bar, he brags about the different sex positions they used, and one of the guys says, "Oh, did you do head?"

He responded with, "No, I couldn't find the head."

My friend asked me if I wanted to hang out by the tree later. I said, "Yeah, I was gonna hang there."

A guy went to a bar and said to a friend that he found a girl on the railroads and said they had the best sex ever.

His friend asked, "Did you get any head?"

The guy said, "No, I couldn't find it."

Times are hard at the moment for people on disability benefits. I’ve got a friend who’s a dwarf...

...and he’s struggling to put food on the table.

My friend said my life was a joke.

No jokes have meaning.

Me: "What's the difference between an apple and an emo?"

Friend: "I don't know."

Me: An apple actually falls from the tree.

I don't see why people say emo kids never hangout.

A guy walks to his friend's house. His friend asks, "Where is your girlfriend?"

The guy replies, "Meet me at the cemetery in a week, and you'll find out!"

A dick has a sad life. His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his best friend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.

A policeman found a dead body of a man on the street. He thought he recognized the body and the 2 friends he usually hung out with, so he called in one of the friends.

The friend looked into the dead body's face and said, "Yep, that's definitely Joe," but then, to be absolutely sure, he turned the body over, pulled down the back of his pants, and said, "Oh no, wait, that's not Joe." The policeman called in the 2nd friend. The 2nd friend looked into the dead body's face and said, "Yep, that's definitely Joe," but then, to be absolutely sure, he turned the body over, pulled down the back of his pants, and said, "Oh no, wait, that's not Joe." Confused, the policeman asked, "How is it that when you look into his face you're sure he is your friend, but when you look at his ass you're sure he is not?"

The 1st friend said, "Well, you see, Joe has 2 assholes." "Are you serious?" the policeman asked. "Oh yes," he replied, "we've never actually seen them, but when the 3 of us hang out together people point and say, 'Hey, there's Joe with those 2 assholes.'"