Friends jokes

A friend called me a while back saying, "I have COVID.... I can't breathe, I really have a hard time breathing."

I reply saying, "Dude, you need to work on your George Floyd jokes."

A cock really has a sad life. He's hairs a mess, his neighbor's an arsehole, his best friend is a cunt.

My girlfriend broke up with me, so I took her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?

Why did the deer cross the road? Its friend deered it to!

My friend had an allergic reaction after he ate a peanut.

We got his EpiPen to help him when Penaldo appeared because he heard the word "PEN". He tried stealing the pen, but I said, "No pens for you," and "Brentford". He cried and ran away. Shame on you, Penaldo the fraud!

Hey, my grandfather was part of WWII. Yeah. He killed Hitler!

I gave my blind friend a cheese grater for Christmas.

He said it was the most violent book he ever read.

Get a calculator.

Okay, anyways, Sally has 69 bottles of boobs (because she is a cannibal that collects boobs) and her friend said it was 222 many. She got caught by the police and was taken to 51st Street. She got arrested for x8 days, so she was BOOBLESS.

You need to eat makeup on the inside because, friend, you're so ugly and you're not even pretty on the outside.

I had a good time with friends!

A guy went to a bar and said to a friend that he found a girl on the railroads and said they had the best sex ever.

His friend asked, "Did you get any head?"

The guy said, "No, I couldn't find it."

Times are hard at the moment for people on disability benefits. I’ve got a friend who’s a dwarf...

...and he’s struggling to put food on the table.

My friend said my life was a joke.

No jokes have meaning.

Me: "What's the difference between an apple and an emo?"

Friend: "I don't know."

Me: An apple actually falls from the tree.

I don't see why people say emo kids never hangout.

A guy walks to his friend's house. His friend asks, "Where is your girlfriend?"

The guy replies, "Meet me at the cemetery in a week, and you'll find out!"

A dick has a sad life. His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his best friend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.

My mother didn't want me to love my sister. That made me angry. But then, one day I found this quote: "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer." Since that day, I fuck my sister hard and my MOM harder!

A policeman found a dead body of a man on the street. He thought he recognized the body and the 2 friends he usually hung out with, so he called in one of the friends.

The friend looked into the dead body's face and said, "Yep, that's definitely Joe," but then, to be absolutely sure, he turned the body over, pulled down the back of his pants, and said, "Oh no, wait, that's not Joe." The policeman called in the 2nd friend. The 2nd friend looked into the dead body's face and said, "Yep, that's definitely Joe," but then, to be absolutely sure, he turned the body over, pulled down the back of his pants, and said, "Oh no, wait, that's not Joe." Confused, the policeman asked, "How is it that when you look into his face you're sure he is your friend, but when you look at his ass you're sure he is not?"

The 1st friend said, "Well, you see, Joe has 2 assholes." "Are you serious?" the policeman asked. "Oh yes," he replied, "we've never actually seen them, but when the 3 of us hang out together people point and say, 'Hey, there's Joe with those 2 assholes.'"

When an asteroid is coming to kill us all:

98.9% of the population: OMG, we're all gonna die!

1% of the population: Eh... I never had any friends anyway.

Alia: ROLL THE INTRO!