Friends jokes

I told my friend that someone accused him of blowing dead bears. I said I defended him by responding that I saw 1 get up and walk away.

When you go to your friend's house to fuck her brother, but realize he's your brother from your mom's side.

Father O'Reilly ran into a young woman whose mother attended his church at the market. "Ah, Mary Agnes, congratulations!"

She gave him a puzzled look. "On what?"

"Your mother tells me you've been praying to St. Gerard and finally got pregnant, it's a miracle."

Mary Agnes sighed. "My mother needs to get hearing aids if she's going to eavesdrop on my phone calls to friends. I said it'll be a miracle if I get pregnant since the only thing I'm fucking is a St. Bernard."

So, there's Fred and Frank. Now, they've been friends for years, but Fred, see, he's depressed. Badly.

Either way, so F+F are texting each other, and here's how it goes: (this is my first joke, so please don't judge too harshly)

Frank: Yo

Fred: Hi...

Frank: U heard about de competition?

Fred: Yeah...

Frank: You wanna hang out?

Fred: .......

Frank: What? I've got some noose (news) for you.

Fred: ...I(

Frank: Fine.... I guess we need to think of a plan, though. We don't wanna be hanging on the end.

Fred: *sigh* You know....you really can't rope me into this competition.

Went to my friend's house, fucked his sister.

I had a fun funeral / birthday.

Me: I bombed the 2 tests yesterday.

Friend: What were the tests about?

Me: Japan.

Why should you be friends with emos? Because you get to scan their bar code for 20% off, and when it expires, they get rid of themselves.

What do snow and friends have in common? If you pee on them, they disappear.

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

Why did Steven Hawking have no friends?

He couldn’t stand anyone...

I wish I didn't have depression because all my friends have "BBC Bitch be crazy" disease.

My friend made this joke (so I’m going steal it). I’m surrounded by fat people, oh wait... it’s just one.

So, a man finds a woman on a train track while he's on his way to a bar, and they had a lot of sex.

When he gets to the bar, he brags about the different sex positions they used, and one of the guys says, "Oh, did you do head?"

He responded with, "No, I couldn't find the head."

My friend asked me if I wanted to hang out by the tree later. I said, "Yeah, I was gonna hang there."

What do you call it when everyone of your friends makes too many dumb Covid jokes? A pundemic.

My friend: You ever feel like life is pointless? *drives faster*

Me: Yea-

My friend: If you could die with one person, who would it be? *speeds up more*

Me: H-hey, you should slow down! Slow down, slow down! We're about to-

Your hairline is so far back it was friends with the dinosaurs!

My girlfriend broke up with me, so I took her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?

Get a calculator.

Okay, anyways, Sally has 69 bottles of boobs (because she is a cannibal that collects boobs) and her friend said it was 222 many. She got caught by the police and was taken to 51st Street. She got arrested for x8 days, so she was BOOBLESS.

Why did the deer cross the road? Its friend deered it to!