Friends jokes

A feminist walks into a bar. Her friend says, "Oh my god, your shoulders are broad!" Another woman says, "Are you sure it's a woman?"

My friend's mother thought a kid who had autism and Down syndrome called him a "double down."

When you go to your friend's house to fuck her brother, but realize he's your brother from your mom's side.

I told my friend that someone accused him of blowing dead bears. I said I defended him by responding that I saw 1 get up and walk away.

So, there's Fred and Frank. Now, they've been friends for years, but Fred, see, he's depressed. Badly.

Either way, so F+F are texting each other, and here's how it goes: (this is my first joke, so please don't judge too harshly)

Frank: Yo

Fred: Hi...

Frank: U heard about de competition?

Fred: Yeah...

Frank: You wanna hang out?

Fred: .......

Frank: What? I've got some noose (news) for you.

Fred: ...I(

Frank: Fine.... I guess we need to think of a plan, though. We don't wanna be hanging on the end.

Fred: *sigh* You know....you really can't rope me into this competition.

Me: I bombed the 2 tests yesterday.

Friend: What were the tests about?

Me: Japan.

Went to my friend's house, fucked his sister.

I had a fun funeral / birthday.

My friend asked me how fast my humor was, and I said it jumps borders. Then he asked how dark my humor is, and I said it picks cotton.

Little Johnny ran into the kitchen and asked his mother, "Mom, can little girls have babies?" His mom answered, "Of course not." A few minutes later, his mom heard him shout to his friend, "It's okay, we can keep playing!"

Me: Can I get your mom's number?

Friend: Here you go:

Me: Ohh, strange, I already had it.

Why should you be friends with emos? Because you get to scan their bar code for 20% off, and when it expires, they get rid of themselves.

What do snow and friends have in common? If you pee on them, they disappear.

A cow is at his friend's house for a sleepover party. Sadly, all of the beds are taken. Where does the cow sleep?

On the COWch (couch).

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

Why did Steven Hawking have no friends?

He couldn’t stand anyone...

I wish I didn't have depression because all my friends have "BBC Bitch be crazy" disease.

My friend made this joke (so I’m going steal it). I’m surrounded by fat people, oh wait... it’s just one.

My friend had an allergic reaction after he ate a peanut.

We got his EpiPen to help him when Penaldo appeared because he heard the word "PEN". He tried stealing the pen, but I said, "No pens for you," and "Brentford". He cried and ran away. Shame on you, Penaldo the fraud!

I gave my blind friend a cheese grater for Christmas.

He said it was the most violent book he ever read.

My girlfriend broke up with me, so I took her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?