Friends jokes
Once I tried to tell my friend a joke about dead people... but it went six feet underground...
A guy wins a free ticket to the Super Bowl and so he’s very excited.
However, he’s not so excited when he gets there and realizes his seat’s in the back of the stadium.
So he looks around him for a better seat, and to his surprise he finds an empty seat right next to the field.
He approaches the older guy who’s sitting in the seat next to the empty one and asks if the seat is taken.
The man replies, “No.”
The young guy is very surprised to hear this and asks, “How could someone pass up a seat like this?”
The older guy replies, “It’s my wife’s seat. We’ve been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she’s passed away.”
“Oh, how sad,” the young guy says, taken aback. “I’m sorry to hear that, but couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you?”
“No,” the man replies, “They’re all at the funeral.”
I have fuck and sex with all the sexy naked ladies and they suck my balls (penis), but you ain't have no girlfriend. Your only friend, they call him ching chong coz of your hairline.
Why is Beast Boy so good at flying?
Terra hasn't forgiven him.
Me: Hey, do you want to meet my grandma?
Friend: Yeah, sure.
Me: *pulls out gun*
So, there's Fred and Frank. Now, they've been friends for years, but Fred, see, he's depressed. Badly.
Either way, so F+F are texting each other, and here's how it goes: (this is my first joke, so please don't judge too harshly)
Frank: Yo
Fred: Hi...
Frank: U heard about de competition?
Fred: Yeah...
Frank: You wanna hang out?
Fred: .......
Frank: What? I've got some noose (news) for you.
Fred: ...I(
Frank: Fine.... I guess we need to think of a plan, though. We don't wanna be hanging on the end.
Fred: *sigh* You know....you really can't rope me into this competition.
Me at the Oscars when I see Jada Pinkett Smith, I said: "G.I. Jane 2, more like G.I. Jada 2, can't wait to see it."
So Will Smith is laughing and then suddenly, Will Smith walks up to me and punches me in the face.
Me: "Ow, oh, wow. Will Smith just smacked the shit out of me.” My nigga Smith goes: "KEEP MY WIFE'S NAME OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!" Me: "Maybe you should focus on keeping her friends out of hers."
My friend asked me why I know how to tie a noose.
I told them, "because I’m such a noose-ance."
I was staying over at my friend's; for the purpose of the joke, he shall be called Kian. It was 03:00 am and everyone else was asleep when I heard a soft banging on the wall. I left the room to inspect it. Kian lived with his grandad John Hauge; it was thought he had a huge slong.
The banging was getting louder, and so too was my heartbeat. I opened John's door and ventured into the room. John was fully naked. There was a glory hole through the wall where I could make it Kian's ass. This is what I have been waiting for. I rip off my shorts, which Ali G bought for me, and silently moved towards John. I shoved [my] 1-inch wonder in his ear. John furiously turned around and slapped me with his cock, "You little gimp, get on the bed."
Kian came in the room with a 2-litre bottle of Irn Bru. He demanded, "What the fudge are you doing?"
I replied smoothly, "Kian, you tracksuit warrior, you have a camel toe!"
Kian fires back, "Shut it, Paul, you have genital warts!"
John screams, "SHUT THE FUCK UP!"
He then gives us it so rough I can't walk the next day, but [I] feel pleasured for eternity.
By Lewis
I told my friend that someone accused him of blowing dead bears. I said I defended him by responding that I saw 1 get up and walk away.
Why did Sarah fall off the swings? Because she had no arms.
Why couldn't she get up? Because she had no friends.
What did the calculator say to his friends? “You can count on me!”
A friend of mine used to be morbidly obese, but after lots of exercise and hard work... We were able to lift his coffin.
My best friend is black. It really pissed me off when my mom sold him.
Me: That’s a good WAVE.
Friend: I SEA it.
Wave: Doesn't break for us to surf on.
Me: I was SHORE it would be good.
Friend: I SEA what you did there.
In my science class we were watching a video, and for no reason at all, it started talking about Black Lives Matter, and my friend leaned over and whispered, “White lives matter more!”
Bro, is your hairline and your forehead good friends because they go way back?
My friend dared me to steal my other friend's watch. I tried, but failed. He really got me, dare.
My friend entered a pun contest. He entered ten, figuring at least one of them would win, but no pun in ten did.
My friend went to buy some milk, why is she not back yet?