Friends Jokes

I was at the bar with a friend, and he said to me, "Veronica, I just stopped a rape." The bartender overheard him and had a puzzled look on his face, because he never moved. He then said, "I saw this girl walk into the bathroom, and I decided not to go."

I was pretty tight friends with my butt plug. But then we had a falling-out.

My friend’s mother was never a font of sympathy, but always the one to see beyond the darkness.

Upon learning about her daughter’s cancer diagnosis she said, “Well honey, at least you’ll lose some weight!”

"I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He later told me it was the most violent book he'd ever read."

Your friend walks up to you and shows you a picture of an overweight woman.

What would you rate this woman?

A 7.

Why?

Because 7 ate 9!

who wouldnt?

Two women are smiling at each other. The text on the image says: "A good friend will help you move. But a best friend will help you move a dead body." JIM HAYES

Yo hairline is so crooked it makes your gay best friend look straight.

When you can’t see your adopted joke pop up, it’s the same as asking your adopted friend where their parents are and never finding it.

Friend #1: "What's your favourite thing about trees?"

Friend #2: "Apples"

Me: "I can hang myself in them."

I: "Get a boomerang."

Type: "Why?"

Me: "Because for frisbee, you need friends."

A friend of mine used to be morbidly obese, but after lots of exercise and hard work... We were able to lift his coffin.

My friends were really annoying me at my birthday party, so I decided to pop a balloon to spook them.

Maybe going on a hot air balloon ride wasn't the best idea.

My only friend who actually cares: "Stop making suicide jokes, I’m really concerned!"

Me: Okay, I’ll cut it out.

My friend was in a crash, so when he got put in a wheelchair, people bullied him, so I told him to stand up for himself.

I told my friend that we should dress up as P. Diddy and Drake for Halloween and ask parents if their kid wants to come over for a sleepover.

I told my suicidal friends to stop posting suicidal memes. They said they will stop soon.

How do you keep your friends from boring you with pictures of their children?

Every time they show you a new one, you say, "Oh FUCK yeah!"

My friend had one request for me before he committed suicide, and that was to play Van Halen’s “Jump” at his funeral.

A man was mowing his lawn when blue and red stuff came out instead of grass. Next thing he knew, a smurf was on his shoulder asking if he’s seen his friend.