Everyone in my class: I can't wait until have a family, I can't wait to study for my dream job My friends: What's your dream job? Me: I'm going to die young :))
When the school shooter breaks into the classroom and you look at your friend cause it’s the kid you predicted
Why should you be friends with emo's? Because you get to scan their bar code for 20% off and when it expires they get rid of themselvs.
My friend just got a new house, he told me to make myself at home, so i threw him out. I hate visiters.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks, i'm rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you're what
My friend threw a soccer ball at a disabled kid.
We all yelled "Rocket league"
My friend asked me how fast my humor was and I said it jumps borders then he asked how dark my humor is and I said it picks cotton.
Friend 1. whats your favorite drink or food Friend 2. pizza Friend 3. Donuts Friend 4. i don't eat food but i do drink bleach Friend 1. (calling the suicide hotline) Friend 2. (Calling the parents)
A feminist walks into a bar. Her friend says "oh my god your shoulders are broad!" another woman says "are you sure it's a woman?"
I told my friend that someone accused him of blowing dead bears. I said I defended him by responding that I saw 1 get up and walk away.
One day a man was fixing a car, an he accidentally got brake oil in his mouth. He was about to spit it out, but then he thought, "hmm, this tastes pretty good!" So he would keep drinking brake oil. But his friends were getting worried about him, and they were like "dude, this can't be healthy." But he said "Don't worry. I can STOP anytime."
went to my friend's house fucked his sister
i hade a fun fenaral / birthday
Me: I bombed the 2 tests yesterday Friend: What were the tests about? Me: Japan
At the funeral of a family friend, I was chatting to June, an elderly lady I hadn’t seen since I was a teenager. I was thrilled when she told me what a beautiful young woman I’d become.
On the journey home, I remarked to my mother how lovely it had been to see June again.
“Yes, it’s such a shame that she’s gone blind,” she said sadly.
I went to a sleepover at my best friend's house. He lives with his grandpa and little brother, his mom and dad. His little brother likes to run around the house naked sometimes. I cant help but notice his grandpa always looks up when he does.
A man decides on a day that it is time to buy a pet. He goes to the pet store, looks around and sees a beautiful parrot, sitting quietly on a stick in his cage. Yet the beast has no feet and paws. "What is the matter with you?" the man thinks aloud. "Well, that's how I was born, I'm actually a faulty parrot" says the bird. "Haha," the man laughs, "it seems like that parrot understands what I'm saying and even answers!" "I understand everything you say, I am extremely intelligent and very well educated," says the bird. "Well, if you're so smart then tell me how you can stay on your stick without legs." "Well," says the parrot, "it's a bit embarrassing, but okay, I wrap my little parrot penis around the stick, like a hook, but I hide that with my thick feathers." "Wow, you really understand everything I say, do not you?" "Yes, yes," replies the bird, "and I speak Spanish and English fluently, I can speak on a level about almost everything, politics, religion, sport and philosophy and I specialize in bird science, you should buy me, I am also a very good friend for you. " The man looks at the price tag, 200 euros is on it. "Sorry, I can not afford that." "Psst," whispers the parrot as he beckons the man with his wing closer. "Nobody wants me because I do not have legs, just bid 25 euros and you can take me with you." The man offers 25 euros and walks 5 minutes later with the parrot out of the store. A few weeks pass. The parrot is sensational. He is fun and interesting, gives good advice, is sympathetic to everyone, in short; the perfect roommate and friend. One day the man comes home from work and the parrot says "Pssssssssssst" while he beckons his wing again. The man comes close to the cage. "I do not know if I should tell you this," says the parrot, "but it's about your wife and the postman." "What!?" says the man. "Well, the postman came to the door and your wife greeted him in a nothing disguised nightgown and kissed him flat on the mouth." "And then," the man hisses, "What happened then?" "Well, the postman came in, grabbed her nightgown and started caressing her everywhere." "My God," says the now furious man, "And what else did they do?" "Then he took off her nightgown, went through his knees and started to lick her everywhere, starting at her breasts and getting further and further down." "And then, what happened, what else did they do?" the man screams . "No idea," says the papgaai, "I got a boner and thundered off my stick ..."
This is a joke to tell to someone with you or something, SOMEONE will laugh. Say: This word isnt gonna be funny until i tell you, your probably not going to laugh. *your friend* whats the word? *you* finger *friend* *dies of laughter*. *note* it works better if you wiggle your finger or something before and not every one laughs, so dont feel bad if they dont. Also dont be surprized if you get put in jail for murder, because your going to kill someone with this.
My friend group is pretty diverse. I'm Japanese, one friend is Filipino, one is American, one is Italian, and the last one is German.
Out of everyone in the friend group, the Filipino and the American were the quickest to feel uncomfortable when I asked, "Who wants to go on a march with me?"
