Friend jokes

As a fellow emo, I find these very rude and disrespectful. Please take off, or I'll tell Mom.

Also, if anyone knows any high bridges nearby, please tell me (I'm asking for a friend).

P.S. I have no friends.

You are recently injured because of your job as a driving instructor, so you couldn't go on vacation with your friends.

Your friends tell you that they have an Asian pilot.

You realize, "They have a -1% survival rate!"

Kid's uncle: "Your mum said you can have your friends round tonight! But I'm gonna have to baby sit today."

Kid: "OK THANK YOU."

(AT BED TIME)

Kid: "Please may you stop touching my leg BEN!"

Ben: "I'm not."

(Turns light on) Kid: "UNCLEEEEE STOP SPILLING MILK OVER ME!!!"

Me: Do you know a funny joke?

Friend: Yes, you.

When someone has an imaginary friend, you call them weird and crazy.

But when a group of people have an imaginary friend, you call it religion. :)

A girl named Rebecca was friends with a guy called Fi. One day, Fi hit Rebecca, and Rebecca lost service.

Rebecca said to Fi, "Why-Fi?"

If you spin a fidget spinner, You'll end up spinning it too fast. When you end up spinning it too fast, it will make you fly away. When you fly away, you'll end up in a tree. When you end up in a tree, you'll see that your friends are hanging out without you. When you see that your friends are hanging out without you, you'll run away in the woods because you're sad. When you ran away in the woods, you'll see a bear. When you see a bear, it will chase you. When the bear chases you, you'll build a fort to protect yourself. When you build a fort to protect yourself, you then notice you're lonely. You'll become friends with the bear. When you become friends with a bear, you'll start to act like a bear. When you start to act like a bear, you will become a bear.

DO NOT BECOME A BEAR! NEVER PLAY WITH A FIDGET SPINNER!

How did two retarded people get ran over in one second?

They're my friends.

Don't you just hate it when you're the first one to fall asleep at a sleepover, and then you hear, "Prank em, John?"

Is your hairline and forehead old friends, because they go wayyyy back?

My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. "That's my stepladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."

So I went to a church the other day and I asked my friend, "Is that painting of Jesus and is it through the wall with one with three nails?" Oh wait, I wasn’t even Jesus, he’s not doing the T post that he invented.

My girlfriend died in Tokyo during a tsunami. I was sad, but my friend told me, "Don't worry, there are plenty more in the ocean."

To anyone who wants to be my friend:

Hello.

Does anyone wanna be my friend? Please if ya' do reply to my: "Hello." In the chat. Tysm. Have a greaat day!

Alex <3

I had a friend who got shot in the head.

Guess you could say he was...

Blown Away!

What do a school shooter and a person with gum have in common?

One's the pull it out everyone wants to be their friend.

Hey, my grandfather was part of WWII. Yeah. He killed Hitler!

"What do you do with your free time?"

"I stalk."

"Really? I enjoy walks in the park, going to the movies, and hanging out with friends."

"I know."

What did the Japanese man say to his friend after he killed somebody?

"That is very Wong."

An African man visits his friend in the US.

“I just flew in yesterday,” the African man says. “And boy are my arms tired!”

“You know, that’s kind of an old joke here in America,” replied his friend.

“Joke?” the African man said. “I’ve been holding my hands in the air yelling ‘don’t shoot’ ever since I got to this damn country!”