There is an upside to being an orphan. Every bag of chips is family size.
What type of cookie has an orphan never had? Homemade cookies.
What flour do you give an orphan?
Self-raising.
What type of flour do you buy an orphan? Self-raising.
How do you make any salad into a caesar salad?
Stab it twenty-three times.
What is the difference between a feminist and a vegetarian? A vegetarian doesn't eat meat for moral, religious, or health reasons. However, a feminist doesn't act like a bitch for moral, religious, or health reasons.
Why are the twin towers mad?
They ordered pepperoni pizza, but all they got was plain.
What does a cannibal call a pregnant person?
A Kinder Surprise.
Mama Mia's pizzeria and abortion clinic. Your loss is our sauce.
If you had 10 chicken nuggets and Jimmy tried to steal one, what would you have?
10 chicken nuggets and a dead Jimmy.
If I were an object in this world, I'd be a glass! Because if you leave me when I'm too close to the edge, I will likely shatter and break.
If I was a pizza topping, I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.
I'm a star! Because one of these days, I'm going to crash and burn...
If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die, I'd be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.
I'm like the sun; I'm painful to look at.
If I was a food, I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.
I'm like an eggshell... broken and empty.
If I was a mythical creature, I'd be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.
I'm like a flashlight with old batteries inside because my inner light died a long time ago.
My soul is a raisin because it's dried up, shriveled, and not everyone likes it.
I'm like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.
I'm like the moon because as the month progresses, my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.
I'm like an extremely powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.
I'm like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.
I'm like a shitty book cover... because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.
My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can't afford to go through with the divorce, and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape, but the more they try, the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety.
Help me....
Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn't last as long for fat people.
What do strippers and peanut butter have in common? They both spread for bread.
What did Donald Trump serve Justin Trudeau at the state dinner?
Poutine in traditional Russian dressing!
What's the difference between a baby and a baked potato?
About 140 calories.
Teacher: Kids, what does a chicken give you?
Students: Eggs.
Teacher: Very good. Now, what does the pig give you?
Kids: Bacon.
Teacher: Excellent. Now, what does the fat cow give you?
Kids: Homework.
Have you ever tried eating a clock? It's really time-consuming, especially if you go for seconds.
I like my Oreos how I like my victims... Drowning.
So, I went out to eat the other day, and the waitress came up to me and asked if I wanted a glass of water. I said, "Yes ma'am." She said, "Oh honey, you don't have to call me ma'am, I'm not that old." I said, "Okay, thanks bitch."
What's the difference between a gay man and a refrigerator?
The fridge don't fart when you take your meat out.
